New Year, New Me-hhhh…
A wise man once said… “why do we have to do this dance, everrrrrytime?” and ahh, yep. That is the theme for this post, but I do mean well.
Well, i’ve (finally) got a wave of roaring “we’re not here to f*ck spiders” kinda energy and i’m going launch straight into my ICK LIST: people who don’t indicate, shortening Christmas to X-mas, the 5 minute timer on Uber Eats (when they haven’t in fact “i’ve arrived”), stopping in the middle of the supermarket aisle, Marketplace and 93% of its users, the phrase “good vibes only”, toxic positivity, bad manners, Valentine’s Day and New Year’s resolutions - just to name a few. Geez, I sound like a grumpy Baby Boomer who has Jon Faine and Raf Epstein on speed dial! Me-hhhh. I kind of am, but with an outstanding Millennial taste in music. I guess the point of this post is to reassure anyone else who struggles with the pressure of having to feel extreme happiness and gratitude, particularly during the holiday season, that it’s OK. I hear ya’.
I’ve had about three posts gathering dust in my drafts folder during December, but I just didn’t have the bandwidth to publish them with my usual polish and pride. I was finally struck down by the Spicy Cough just before Christmas, so there goes my unicorn status. Grrr. Hmmm, what else?! RE life updates, I’ve had some really beautiful and average ones: Max graduated from kinder and completed his prep transition program like a champ, Mia is amazing (as usual), my bestie got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid, I attended my first Thanksgiving and tried Pecan Pie with my favourite American (4/10 experience - the pie that is), i’m addicted to the app Wordscapes, i’ve learnt all the rules of Cricket, Louie my little Yorkie broke his leg, I completed my first 5km run and i’ve nailed another year of solo parenting! So all in all, i’m pretty good.
Here’s a few personal happy snaps, but this won’t be a regular thing. I’ll be back to regular programming soon - duh, quotes!
Ok, i’ve been a tad salty and self-indulgent for the last few mins - now for why I am really here. A quick housekeeping announcement: there will be no definitions included in today’s post, just my own unprofessional opinion. Please keep in mind this is my blog, my brain and my opinions only. I will now dim the lights… please enjoy the show!
TOXIC POSITIVITY:
My interpretation of ‘toxic positivity’ is the belief or mindset that we must remain positive, no matter how difficult a situation or experience is. Or as we reflect on an experience, we must find a silver lining/lesson and focus on that. While of course there are benefits to being positive and optimistic in our outlook, by rejecting all negative feelings to something, it completely invalidates a reasonable (and normal) response to something difficult. Hence my distain towards the phrase “good vibes only”. I believe toxic positivity promotes feelings of shame, inadequacy and lacks empathy. Which really only adds unnecessary weight to an already heavy process - how we as individuals cope with painful or stressful situations.
I do acknowledge that the intent behind GVO and the like comes from a good place, I just believe it’s naive and a very narrow way to respond/attitude to project onto others. It denies the spectrum of emotions that we are all entitled to feel and by minimising these, it can be counterproductive and harmful in how we cope - and how we see ourselves. If someone is coming to you for support, encouragement or affirmation; it’s usually for comfort - NOT judgment. Some of us may even consider toxic positivity a form of gaslighting and I’m one of them. Look, if you’re into preaching GVO and things like manifestation journals are your thang, cool. But it’s not for me and I will probably mute your Insta, respectfully. I’m not mean enough to pull a complete unfollow. Sorry, that was mean - but, bujjjurrrkkgh.
Some examples of toxic positivity that I’m sure we’ve all heard are: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, IT COULD BE WORSE, FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION, JUST KEEP SMILING, IT’S GOING TO MAKE YOU STRONGER, GOOD VIBES ONLY, STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE, YOU’LL GET OVER IT, YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR… Why does this Melissa McCarthy line from the movie This is 40 come to mind when I hear any of the above > “Go suck a big f%&ing dick, Jill” - replayed in my mind with the exact same cadence as she delivers it with! Ahhh. Ok, enough. I did warn you all though, New Year, New Me-hhh.
HOLIDAY SEASON PRESSURE:
In many ways for me, this is an extension of toxic positivity (IMUPO). However, it’s more about society’s (and our own) obsession with happiness and the implied expectations that drive this pressure - and then to post about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for posting happy snaps (I just did it), but we all probably need to be mindful as to our own motivating factors. In this chunk of text, I want to focus on celebratory occasions and the pressure/expectations that come with these, as it’s something I struggle with. Specifically, the struggle in focus is my own (conflicting) internal battle: my rational beliefs/feelings Vs external pressure. The irony is this external noise contradicts how I truly feel, yet here we are. Let me elaborate with a rant and some CONNNTEXT:
Valentine’s Day - I think VD is a crock of Hallmark $hit and to be brutally honest… it’s #basic. From first boyfriend status to now, i’ve never really given a hoot about it. To quote Shakespeare (I cringed typing that, but it’s rather fitting): “The lady doth protest too much, methinks”. Simply, it’s a sarcastic/ironic quote that can be applied to a situation where sincerity is in question - particularly something in excess/or protest, with an implication of guilt or hiding something. I hope that makes sense?! I guess part of it from my perspective is a collective feeling of FOMO, even if the day itself doesn’t actually align with our beliefs. The desire to feel included and to then share that. We live in a world that is obsessed with digital consumption and content, so it’s almost impossible to completely ignore these types occasions. Whether it’s advertising, the pressure to purchase a present, dinner, flowers… and then the online professions of romance, yikes. It’s a lot and it’s a LOL - soz. Having said all this, if you like celebrating this occasion and these things are important to you, that’s fine. As long as you’re doing it for the right reasons, not because you feel you have to. THAT IS MY ISSUE. Intentions are everything and I also understand how easy it is to get wrapped up in these types of things. No hate, I just needed to get that off my chest. And to any future prospects, please don’t buy me a Valentine’s Day card (or red roses). Cheers.
Mother’s/Father’s Day - I’m a bit more me-hhhh and far less aggressive with my written feedback here. But let’s not kid around - MARKETING GENIUS. I always found FD particularly triggering, as my dad was an awful person and didn’t provide even a slither of love or safety (and I did/do have FOMO with this one). As a mum now though, I do love the cute little gifts the children bring home from kinder/school. Sheesh, this sounds rather ahh-err, um… hypocritical! But it’s often a day where many of us can feel really low and focus on what we’re missing out on. While that’s not on everyone else to work around, I guess my advice to those who struggle with these particular celebratory occasions too is: IT’S JUST ANOTHER DAY, don’t buy into the fuss. And to anyone who has lost their mother or father, to anyone who has a strained relationship with a parent and to those who are desperately trying to become a parent… I see you and I get it. Put your phone down and stay off social media, turn off the Today Show, ignore the card stands in the supermarket and just do your own thing. It’s just another day - rewrite the narrative.
“Holidays are not always festive. Some people’s hardest days happen when everyone else is smiling”
Christmas - I love it, but it’s stressful. However, there’s something about the Christmas chaos that I do love - it’s complicated. I LOVE the traditional components of the day (keeping in mind I am a card-carrying atheist): the Christmas Tree, watching my children open their presents, leaving cookies and milk out for Santa, carols (in moderation) and a lovely roast Turkey. However, the last few years for me have been particularly tough. I have struggled financially, I am two and half years into my separation and a horrific event that occurred in Dec 2021, is often relived. This year didn’t end in the way I hoped it would, but I had to keep reminding myself - it’s just another day. Those feelings of loss and frustration are still there on the 23rd and 26th of December, I know this logically. But again, it’s so hard not to get caught up in the fuss. I am also very aware that there is an increase in DV around Christmas and our statistics reflect that. For so many reasons, it can be an extremely tricky period to navigate. My advice is to curve any pre-conditioned expectations you’ve had of the day - how it should look (materialistically), how you should feel and who should/shouldn’t be around you. While it’s a significant day on a global scale, if it’s a struggle for you as well - let it be. Let the spectrum of emotions that flow, flow. It’s just another day, as notable as it is.
NYE/NY’s resolutions - Ok, i’m back to being a salty little spider for this one! Nah, i’m pretty nonchalant about NYE - it’s whatever. It’s the NY’s resolutions that grind my gears. I’m all for making positive changes, setting goals and moving optimistically in the direction of achievement, buttttt?! Me-hhhh. All of those things should (ideally) be an ongoing process and one that evolves - with no end date. I think that’s what annoys me - the deadline. That suddenly at the end/start of each calendar year, we should be at a certain place. Says who? It’s not realistic and it can create a false sense of hope, which then can spiral into feelings of inadequacy and failure. Life is hard enough! I could sit here and rant for hours about all of the above, but really… it’s up to me. The world will not bend to appease my trauma or icks, so it’s up to me/us to mute, unfollow and disconnect where we need to.
Before anyone storms out of the movie theatre in outrage at my cynicism (note: the lights are still dimmed and the show is not over yet), please understand I mean well. Everyone is entitled to share and celebrate in whatever way makes them happy. I just challenge you to truly consider if it’s for the right reasons. And to anyone who finds these types of occasions tough, it’s just another day - remember that. Don’t buy into the BS.
Ideally I would like to have published this post prior to Christmas, so I apologise for the timing of this. The anticipatory build up is often the hardest time, but… #LYFE. I couldn’t believe how hard Covid hit me and the month of December is hectic at the best of times. I will also share that I received an abnormal pap smear result at Christmas, so this threw me into a spiral (and i’m still kinda there). Annnyway. I hope this post has at the very least provided some reassurance to those who also find the holiday season difficult.
I’d really like to start releasing fortnightly podcast episodes and weekly blogs for 2024. And NO, these are not my NY’s resolutions. However you choose/chose to handle the start of a new year, I wish you well. I wish you an appropriate amount of happiness (lol) and great health for the year ahead.
SJ x