SOLO PARENTING: Pros & Cons
“I am prouder of my years as a single mother than of any other part of my life” - JK Rowling.
I am approaching the three year mark of being a solo parent and thought I would share some of my experiences and (more recent) reflections. It wasn’t until my youngest started prep a few weeks ago, that I really reflected on the many things I have achieved in the last few years. Navigating parenthood is complex at the best of times, but doing it alone (in every sense of the word) is something else. While I will do my best to share as much context as I can about my situation, there will be some missing pieces. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the legal process that can follow a separation, it’s important you understand that certain details/events cannot be openly shared - if there is ongoing litigation. For this reason, I will be as transparent as I can be - whilst honouring my legal and moral obligations at this time.
While I did title this piece as ‘pros & cons’, it’s not as simple as a list - ughh. There is often both positives and negatives attached to specific responsibilities and probably why it’s such a confusing and exhausting experience at times. There are so many moving pieces in a separation and when there are children involved, you’re locked in - whether you like it or not. For many couples, the division of assets/financial settlement and parenting responsibilities can be amicable, and done without lawyers/court. However, this isn’t always the case. The fatigue and burnout of this process can drastically cloud our perspective and self-gratitude and it certainly has for me - UNTIL NOW! As uncomfortable as it makes me, I wanted to share some of my personal challenges, but more importantly… some of my achievements (this is the part that makes uncomfortable).
Solo parenting can be an extremely lonely and stressful adjustment, but one that can also be coupled with feelings of new-found independence and happiness. I guess this is the main focus of my post and to shed some light on understanding that conflicting emotions, absolutely can coexist. To acknowledge how tough this new role can be, but learning how to also practice self-gratitude/admiration - something I’m not very good at. Let’s get into it…
2024 - my son started prep & my daughter started grade three
In no particular order, i’ve listed some of the standout responsibilities (for me) and the emotional challenges AND benefits of being a solo parent. Obviously there will be a focus on single mothers, as that’s all I can comment on with credibility.
FREEDOM & FOCUS:
When it comes to being a single parent, in my experience, there is a wonderful feeling of… FREEDOM. The freedom to make beneficial decisions for your children, freedom of routine, financial freedom and the freedom of how you choose to parent. I would argue that even while you are doing double duty without any support, this all seems to get done with greater efficiency (or as many women report, one less child to deal with!). Jokes aside, I do love that the gender stereotypical roles is no longer at play and the element of ‘good cop vs bad cop’, has been removed. I always felt I was the one declaring when it was bedtime, when to bathe, enforcing discipline when required, homework reminders, the washing, the tidying up, planning the week ahead, the cooking… I could go on and on. I constantly felt that I was the ‘bad cop’ and the resentment towards my former partner grew stronger and stronger #FUNDAD. While I am still doing all the things I was doing for my children and the household, I now also get to play the part of #FUNMUM - and it’s the BEST!
I know the children and I have such an incredibly tight bond and that we are an unstoppable little team. I actually enjoy being a mother more than I ever have before, as strange as that sounds. I assume this is because I actually get to experience all facets of parenting now and i’m not fighting feelings of not feeling good enough - amongst a myriad of other things. Although it did take me a while to adjust to our new normal, we found our groove. I know my children have probably had to mature at a faster pace than some due to the circumstances, but we have very open and loving communication. I know they feel heard, supported and loved.
I am always tired, I often feel smothered (very little time to myself), I am constantly questioning whether I’m doing enough, I feel guilty they don’t have the same opportunities they once did (lifestyle), I question whether I’m holding them appropriately accountable for their behaviour sometimes (the guilty ‘i’m mum & dad’ complex)… BUT?! In so many ways, I’ve never been happier.
I am so proud of their resilience, their kindness, their emotional intelligence and their senses of humour - gosh, I love them so, so much. Ughhh. They are thriving and I know that is one million percent because of me. Phhhooaaaf, I said it! I cringed typing that, but I owe it to myself. Every tear, every breakdown, every fear, the loneliness, all of the stress… it was and will always be, WORTH IT.
THE SINGLE MOTHER STIGMA:
Although the stigma associated with single motherhood has evolved, it undoubtedly still exists and it does sting at times - particularly in social/school settings. I think part of this is having others assume it wasn’t my (or the woman’s) choice, or that it’s something that requires pity. It’s that pity and the other person’s awkwardness of how they respond that annoys me. Aren’t we all the same - just mothers? How does our relationship status have any bearing on how we view someone or parent, but it does and it shouldn’t. I doubt single fathers are ever met with this type of reaction, quite the contrary I imagine.
In my last workplace and in other situations early on when I have said I’m a single mother, it has been met with “oh, i’m so sorry”… lol, for what? Geeez. My children have both had to start at a new school, which was disruptive and disappointing (not my choice). I am painfully shy in new/large social situations, so the added weight of my new circumstances has definitely hindered my ability and confidence to form new connections. I avoid nearly all the school social functions and I often decline invitations to events/celebrations where it’s mostly couples - even if these are some of my closest friends. And it’s not because I envy their relationship status, I’m probably happier than most of my married friends - eeeeep, awkes. It’s more to do with me protecting myself and avoiding any potential pity or judgment. I’ve come too damn far to let anyone or anything interfere with that PEACE. This doesn’t mean I don’t have moments of weakness and woe is me, but these are boundaries I have implemented to keep me safe - and they’re working. I hope over time I am able to put myself out there, particularly for the sake of my children, but for now this is what needs to happen.
In my opinion, single mothers are some of the strongest, most resilient, capable and independent women I know. Do we need a strong circle of support and love around us? Absofknlutely. But we will get it done, no matter what.
SOURCE: Pinterest - A Girl Like You
SOURCE: Pinterest - A Girl Like You
INDEPENDENCE vs HYPER-INDEPENDENCE:
I have always struggled with hyper-independence (and codependence - help) in the past and this has reached new heights over the past few years. Dealing with a separation, traumatic events, extreme stress, surviving as a single mother and being betrayed by those who have seen my soul… it changes you. It pushes you in a direction of IT’S ME & MY KIDS AGAINST THE WORLD. It hardens you and it can create walls that are incredibly hard to break down. Is this healthy or productive, probably not. But it’s temporary and safeguarding my peace and safety is a non-negotiable. TBC.
I was in a relationship for 13+ years where all financial decisions and management were out of my control. For most of that time, it didn’t bother me. As I said earlier, there is often a divide in (gender) parental/relationship duties and this just wasn’t one of mine - I now wish it had been. While the financial aspect of my separation has been overwhelming to navigate, I have actually loved learning how to better understand and manage my own finances - it also helps that my bestie is a private banker, but hey. A literal example of this was when I recently traded my car in, as I couldn’t afford to keep my other one. I was absolutely shitting myself walking into that car dealership - for so many reasons. I didn’t feel I was equipped with the right terminology, insights or the ability to negotiate a price - all in a male dominated industry. I did have friends (and their partners) offer to come with me, but I declined - as grateful as I was for their support. I wanted to put myself in a foreign (and terrifying) situation, to prove that I was perfectly capable of getting it done. And guess what? I bloody did it and I got a good deal! And while that might sound lame to some, it was a huge turning point for me.
RE THE FINANCIAL STUFF: Is it stressful surviving on one income/government support, yes. Is it hard to find work when you are dictated by drop-offs and pick-ups, yes. Is it challenging getting back out into the workforce after being a SAHM, yes. Can there be financial abuse post separation, yes. I won’t sugarcoat how scary this can be. However, this is never a reason to not leave - but I do understand it. I would suggest that you consult a lawyer (before you instigate a separation), as well as a financial planner. ASK FOR HELP! Knowledge is power and the more you understand, the better (and more confident) you will feel.
JFYI: A GOOD ARTICLE WORTH READING - What To Do If You’re In An Unhappy Marriage But Afraid To Leave
Ok. Back to what I was saying. While having the confidence and independence to handle tasks like trading your car in is a good thing, it’s problematic when the hyper-independence creeps in. For me, I know this is a response that is fuelled by fear/anger/trauma and I can now identify when it’s happening. I struggle to ask for help, I hate handouts/pity (even when loved ones have the best intentions/want to help), I’d rather suffer in silence and I will push myself to extremes - even to my own detriment. I am learning (through practice) that vulnerability, admitting I need help/support and that accepting assistance, doesn’t mean i’m not independent.
If this is something that you also do, this is NOT an inherent personality trait - it’s NOT who you are as a person. It is a trauma/survival response and when we can recognise this in our behaviour and reactions, that is a good thing - there is room for change and growth.
SOURCE: Pinterest - A Girl Like You
SOURCE: Pinterest - A Girl Like You
RE-PARTNERING:
Yikes, lol. This is a tough one and unfortunately, something we have absolutely no control over. As a mother I feel I am hardwired to protect my children above all else. And when you lose some of that control/oversight, it can invoke a visceral reaction at times. It’s unsettling, it’s scary and it can feel very unnatural.
There are usually two parts to this process, the first being: grieving your relationship/marriage and the family structure of being under one roof. Whether this was your choice or instigated by your partner, it can be really tough. While you may accept that it was for the greater good of the family unit that it ended, there is still an element of sadness. I would like to think that most of us who sign up for marriage or having children with someone, are in it for the long haul. Hence why it can be so devastating when it ends. The second part is your former partner’s choice when it comes to moving on. We can only hope that they conduct a thorough vetting process (as harsh as that sounds), with the best interest of the children and family unit as their priority. Some questions to consider: does this new partner align with our family’s expectations/philosophies, are they a good/respectable person, will they respect the ex partner (mother/father) of the children, are they mature enough to accept that there is an element of taking a backseat, and will they be a positive influence on the children.
I would like to think that each parent would instinctively take an appropriate amount of time, before introducing them to the children involved. Yes, it can be an exciting time (particularly on the back of a relationship ending), but it’s not about you. In many family separations, the children may be struggling to adjust to this new normal and that is our responsibility as their parents (the adults) to monitor that accordingly. This should be a slow and steady transition and one with complete transparency. I also feel this should absolutely be a discussion between both parents and that they have an opportunity to meet the new partner, before the children are brought into it. It is important to remember that any new partner will never be a replacement, but they are an addition to the extended family unit. And one when handled well, can be a harmonious and positive experience.
It’s not a competition - there is no competition. And it should never be about trying to rattle or upset the ex partner, it’s ABOUT THE CHILDREN.
JFYI: A GREAT ARTICLE RE THIS TOPIC: Blended families and re-partnering: Advice to make it work
RESOURCES FOR SINGLE MOTHERS (AUSTRALIA):
Centrelink - There are several benefits available: Single Parenting Payment, Family Tax Benefit, ACCS/CCS & Rent Assistance
I will end this post with a few final words:
I know I’m relatively new to this whole self-gratitude thing, but it’s so important. I remember a moment a few weeks ago when the three of us all had Gastro, it was hell. I was running between both of my children with bowls and towels throughout the night, while soothing them. I had been so sick the night before that I almost called an ambulance. I was tired, I was sore and I just wanted someone to look after me… But as I held them both I knew that they felt safe. I knew that they felt loved. I knew that they felt comfort. And I KNOW that this is everything to them, I am their world. It’s those moments that trump everything else and it’s what truly matters. Somehow amongst piles of filthy bedding and the stench of vomit, I felt so bloody grateful - and… PROUD.
One day, whether that’s soon or in a few years down the track… Your child/children will be able to say: MY MUMMY WAS THERE FOR ME. MY MUMMY MADE IT HAPPEN. MY MUMMY NEVER LEFT.
Pat yourself on the damn back, mamma. As Kris Jenner once said (lol)… YOU ARE DOING AMAZING, SWEETIE!
SJ x