“Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection” - Deb Dana

This is a topic i’ve wanted to cover for some time now and my last blog post ‘Narcissist: It’s Not A Buzzword’, was the ideal prelude (yay…). While this fire burning inside of me is roaring, it’s proving more challenging than I had anticipated to articulate. Why? Because a trauma bond does not form from a logical thought pattern, nor is it a conscious choice. It’s often a slow and subtle accumulation of abusive behaviour, interlaced with a complex codependence on the perpetrator. The enormity of how a trauma bond is formed often doesn’t unravel until the relationship has ended and this is why the ‘come down’ is so extreme. For these reasons, trauma bonds are very hard to break because they can be so difficult to detect. They are deeply rooted in a desperate need for the relationship to not only continue, but for the victim to keep pushing for the validation and love they crave - even while being abused. Trauma bonds create chemical warfare in our brains as they gradually become wired for fear, anxiety and stress. This is then intimately intertwined with intermittent hits of dopamine and oxytocin - the ‘good times’. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a parent or a friend, it’s important to understand that this is a form of addiction and deep attachment. You endure the heartache and fear because you learn there will be rewards and positive reinforcement coming. However, this cycle of abuse and the neurochemistry of this toxic type of love only secure a tumultuous relationship dynamic and one that will rarely end well. The anatomy of a trauma bond is a cluster F%$K of reactions and emotions and to many, it simply doesn’t make sense. And this is why…