AGLY Ep Six - The Debrief

// Single Parent IVF, Sperm Donor Program, Societal Expectations, Banter & Bravo!

Only my Australian listeners and readers will understand this reference (apologies to everyone else), but I can liken my coming and going RE this podcast to John Farnham’s never ending farewell tour - but it’s actually a weird opposite remix of that. Ughh. One minute “i’m baaacckkk”, the next minute… I’ve ghosted everyone for 11 months. Welcome to the stage… duh, duh, duhhh: dissociative state. As I sit here and try to explain or defend my lengthy hiatus, I know this is somewhat fuelled by urgency culture. I feel this pressure (self-inflicted) and then it can all become so overwhelming that I’m pushed into a state of absolute paralysis and self-loathing, regarding motivation and output. Anyway, that’s a whole other episode and blog article I should cover - coming soon in 2027, lol. Today though, I am here to celebrate the absolute $hit out of a dear friend of mine and champion her choice to embark on solo parenthood.

EP 06 - CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

If you have followed me over the last few years, you would know I’ve been very vocal about my own IVF experience and the podcast All That Triggers I created with my friend, Zoe Karlis. I also worked as the marketing manager at a fertility clinic, so naturally I can only assume some of my community may have thought this was a fertility related discussion - but it couldn’t be further from it. While we did chat about the process of egg freezing and the logistical aspects of the sperm donor program, it went much deeper than that. ⁣I created this space (my blog & podcast) to share in a variety of stories. Some of which may instinctively cause you to think ‘meh, not for me - not what I’m going through’. However, sometimes it’s the stories that are different to ours that actually open our minds and hearts the most.⁣

⁣We spoke about some of the societal expectations and pressures regarding what a ‘normal family’ looks like, that choosing to be a solo parent isn’t too dissimilar to those going through separation/divorce (in a day-to-day sense), and how great it is as a woman to reach a level of independence and peace to tackle this. ⁣We are all conditioned in different ways to what we’ve been exposed to when it comes to relationships/family, what we value, our own family dynamics growing up etc. and how this can then impact our choices later in life - positively or negatively. ⁣

I believe, because I am guilty of this, we can get so caught-up in our own storyline and its many moving parts that we shut out all other ways of thinking and alternative perspectives (to further perpetuate our own narrative/bias). Listening to Steph speak both on air and off air, has impacted my own position in ways I could never have anticipated. I will go into this later in the post, but here’s a debrief about what we discussed and my thoughts post recording.

⁣THE SINGLE PARENT IVF PROCESS & EGG FREEZING:

Before I launch into details and some additional comments, I’m gonna hit ya’ll with a smorgasbord of statistics and a few big words - duh, COOONNNTEEEXXXXT.

Over the last few years and particularly during/post Covid (after the bloody restrictions were finally eased RE ‘elective surgery’ in Melbourne - don’t even start me on this! Bye, bye Dan), there has been a huge increase in women freezing their eggs - and this makes me happy. Egg freezing is a choice that many women make for a variety of reasons: it’s a way of preserving your fertility (egg age/health) if you are not in a position or want to fall pregnant right away, those whose fertility is at risk for medical reasons (eg. cancer treatment, early menopause), or low AMH levels/egg quality. However, the most common reason reported by women choosing to freeze their eggs is because they don’t have a partner, but their biological clock is ticking. While there are no guarantees and every individual case will vary, frozen eggs can be stored for many years without significant deterioration. This buys time and almost works as an insurance policy for if/when that time comes.

In this episode we discuss how Steph had the foresight to freeze her eggs at 31 years of age, which means when she does find a suitable sperm donor she will use IVF on those eggs. The egg freezing process begins with a ‘stim cycle’ (for the seasoned pros you’ll associate acronyms like FSH here), which in Layman’s terms essentially means: the ovaries are stimulated with medication to assist your body in producing eggs (multiple - a natural cycle/ovulation sans fertility medication produces only one). You are monitored throughout this cycle by scans and when the eggs are ready to go, you will be given a trigger shot (hence why we called our podcast All That Triggers) which brings on ovulation. In the next 24 hours or so, you go in for a day procedure which is usually under twilight sedation and these eggs are collected. They are then looked at by the lab team, given a general grading or indication of the number of mature/viable ones and then these are frozen. I hope I haven’t lost anyone here, I’ve had to simplify this the best I can! When the sperm donor has been selected, Steph’s eggs will most likely be combined with this sperm via ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) - this is how we made Maxi, JFYI. This is where the embryologists select the strongest sperm and inject them directly into the egg. This process then hopefully develops over the next 3-5 days, creating an embryo and it is then transferred back into the uterus. I could go down the rabbit hole of 3 and 5 day old embryos and then fresh Vs frozen, but for the sake of this debrief i’m keeping the explanation of this process pretty simple.

SOME EGG FREEZING STATS VIA IVF AUSTRALIA: In an average egg freezing cycle, 90% of eggs will survive thawing, 70% fertilisation and 45% would be developed into a pregnancy. On average a woman under the age of 35 will have 10 mature eggs collected in a single procedure, but this number reduces by approximately 1 egg per year above 35. For more info, there’s a great article that IVF Australia have published about egg freezing/statistics: CLICK HERE

SOLO PARENTING:

I’ll go easy here with my advice/opinions, as this is such a personal decision and perspective. I can really only comment on what I am experiencing and then my second-hand interpretation of what Steph has shared. Like any big decision in life, there’s a pros and cons list. While all points and sides should be considered equally, we’re all ultimately driven (I believe) by the heart or that gut instinct. In this situation, a maternal drive that is so deep to become a mother that it brings a clarity to ignore (to some extent) so many of the societal expectations and external pressure to go down the ‘normal route’. It then comes down to the reality of day-to-day life doing it solo and whether or not this is feasible.

Here’s my attempt at a pros and cons list, based on discussions Steph and I have had:

PROS (ADVANTAGES):

You are responsible for all parental decisions - schooling/education, healthcare, how you spend your time, what you feed your child etc.

Free of restrictions - you don’t answer to anyone

You are in charge of making financial decisions - there is no financial control/abuse from anyone else and you are equipped with the knowledge to do what’s best for you/your child

There’s a real sense of teamwork - it’s you and your little person/people which can encourage independence and resilience

Undivided attention and unconditional love without distraction - this doesn’t mean future relationships are off limits, but they are your priority and you are a package deal

Any new relationships will already understand the time division and what you’re capable of capacity wise (without the added complication of an ex, lol)

You are not dependent on anyone else (yessssssss!)

You are responsible for and choosing how you discipline/raise your child

CONS (POTENTIAL DISADVANTAGES):

Financial burden is solely on you - having said this, you would already understand this and I doubt anyone would make this choice without this consideration (so this is just filler to be fair, lol)

Work/home life balance - potentially a greater support network around you to help with care, but hey… there’s many, many single mammas with an ex baby daddy doin’ it all too without any support. So again, filler

Feeling lonely (when it comes to having a partner) - there’s also plenty of people in long-term/married relationships who are lonely as hell, so let’s cut this from the list!

Your child may feel ‘different’ - I mean, this could apply to so many situations or all (what your parent/s do for work, where you live, what car you drive, where you go to school etc.), pfft again, meh

Ok, so I may have added some mayo on the the ‘disadvantages’, but if you want my honest opinion (the one I previously said I wouldn’t push…), I really don’t believe there are any. And I say that with conviction because of my circumstances, sure. But it was our podcast, lol. Anyway, food for thought. This is all relative and every individual experience is unique.

Thanks, J.K… now I just need to write a best-selling fantasy series and become a bajillionare, but? I agree!

MY TAKEAWAY & MESSAGE TO STEPH:

First and foremost, I am just so proud of my friend. I am proud of her for having the courage to speak about a topic (her life!) that isn’t widely understood or spoken about. I am proud of her for reaching a level of peace and empowerment I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed before in anyone. I am proud of her for committing to a lifelong decision with such unwavering conviction and I know she will be an incredible mother - she already is. I am grateful to call her a friend. I am grateful for her generosity, her kindness, her warmth, her lack of judgment of others, her love of a good laugh (and all things Bravo!), ugghhh I just LOVE YOU, Stephanie. Thank you from the bottom of my bitter, sad, miserable little heart, lol. My life is richer for simply having you in it. I know this process is and has been gruelling and it’s far from over yet, but I will be here by your side every single step of the way. Here’s to you and all of those who are choosing SMBC (single mother by choice). YOU ARE AMAZING!

As someone who has struggled with codependency and in many ways, measuring my ‘success’ or happiness on being in a relationship, yet not really being fulfilled… your story has given me wings and a confidence that is growing each and every day. I strive for the same level of peace that you have and while I know we all still have our moments of ‘ideals’ or second guessing ourselves, your grasp on what YOU want and how stedfast you are in that, phooarf. I applaud you and you continue to inspire me (please don’t ever stop!).

While by definition you are choosing to do this ‘alone’, I don’t like the connotations of this word - so, i’m standing firm on solo. And to all the mammas who are solo parenting by choice or by circumstance, you’ve got this. It’s not always easy, but the children are the easy part! *Insert squiggly painful messed up emoji face*.

My last message is probably to those who will never read this, but i’m putting it out into the universe. While I can only comment on how sperm donation is goverened here in Australia and my limited knowledge of VARTA here in Victoria, thank you. Thank you to these people who I believe are doing this for the right reasons - to genuinely help other’s achieve their dreams. Whether we like it or not, there’s certain ingredients we require to make a baby and sperm is 50% of that (male partner/husband optional, lol). If anyone reading this does know someone who has done this, I would love to speak to them. Hit me up, pretty please.

RESOURCES:

SMC Australia (Single Mums by Choice): SMC Australia is the national support group for women who are thinking about or have become solo mums by choice. We define solo motherhood as intentionally becoming a parent to a child on your own via donor conception (sperm, sperm and egg, or embryo), foster care, adoption or any combination of these.

You can follow this organisation on Facebook or via their website: https://www.smcaustralia.org.au/

Single mother by choice. podcast by Emilia Thompson

Sperm Donation World by Adam Hooper

Article via IVF Australia: Going Solo - Contemplating Single Motherhood? CLICK HERE

Article via ABC News: Why there's a growing number of women embracing solo parenthood CLICK HERE

Thank you to everyone who has listened to this episode, read this article and who will be following along for updates.

SJ & Steph x