Boundaries & the Bare Minimum
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” - PRENTIS HEMPHILL
I think it’s time I get back in my Speakers’ Corner (alas, only momentarily), as I can feel another buzzword rant brewing. Ugh. Yet another term that has forged its way from the comfort and privacy of therapy, onto our feeds and into our mouths - AD NAUSEAM. The overuse of these psychology terms can dilute the true meanings of these words, even when the intentions are pure. While I don’t believe the overuse of ‘boundaries’ is harmful, it’s more about the risk of becoming desensitised to a healthy objective that many of us struggle with (hi, it’s me). In closing, I will now deliver an entire article and a few Insta posts about… BOUNDARIES, lol. The hypocrisy is not lost on me. For me though, it’s more about the importance of the meaning and for those who are trying to mould a more secure/healthy attachment style and master self-assurance.
Before we go any further though, I need to set the tone with a quick definition reference and remind my readers of my repeated disclaimer for all argumentative/persuasive blog articles (geez, I feel like I’m back in year 11 English), that all content is in my own UNPROFESSIONAL (BUT WELL VERSED) OPINION.
BOUNDARY DEFINED: a real or imagined line that marks the limits or edges of something and separates it from other things or places; a dividing line.
When applying this very basic definition to the CONNNNTEXT of relationships, the word ‘seperate’ is what jumps out at me. If we did a word finding exercise for the sake of simplifying this concept, others that come to mind are: unrelated, different, distinct, unattached, free-standing, autonomous and individual. Let that sink in.
It’s taken me many years and a series of good, bad and ugly relationships to understand that our own individual boundaries are based on our values. And I personally believe, when we don’t value our own self it opens the door to compromise and sacrifice… that will cost YOU dearly. A lack of boundaries and values is the ultimate in self-betrayal, but to even implement this sort of structure requires a solid baseline of self-respect. And like any ambition/aspiration (literal goal or behaviour) in life, we need to work backwards and build from there. The ‘normal’ or expected trajectory of a healthy core value system from childhood to adulthood isn’t always there, so intervention is inevitable if peace and happiness is what you desire. Which is where I find myself now at 37 years of age - what do I value in myself, in a partner and in my ideal relationship? Stay tuned, i’m working up to it!
While some of what I’m about to discuss may seem foreign to many, for those who have experienced turbulent childhoods, abusive/toxic relationships and battled with self-confidence, this may be of value to you. Much like Attachment Theory and the concept of being unconsciously conditioned in our formative years, most of us most likely picked up our values based on how we were raised - or for some, a lack there of (hi, it’s me again). As children, we observe and absorb the behaviours of those around us and how it makes us feel. This can include: our parent/s, caregiver, siblings/extended family members, teachers, authority figures, community, religion/cultural expectations and our friends. These experiences, good or bad, can then heavily influence our choices and behaviour later in life. For example, if we felt wronged or robbed by our parent/s of something as children, we may become righteous or selfish within a relationship - like the world owes us. If we grew up walking on eggshells to avoid conflict or aggression, we may become the people pleaser in the relationship. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you catch my drift.
For those who are quite codependent in relationships, we can often exhibit a lack of personal boundaries - even if we long for them. We may measure the ‘success’ of the relationship, our own happiness and self-worth, by ensuring our partner’s needs are met - completely dismissing our own. If they’re happy, we are happy - at any cost. Simply, their needs are more important than our own. To quickly circle back to attachment styles/Attachment Theory, this is more often than not the mindset/behaviour of someone with an anxious attachment style. Whether it’s within an intimate relationship or even workplace culture, not all our values need to be equal and some will naturally hold greater significance. However, this is where I like to say we should have a bare minimum or a list of non-negotiables - and I LOVE a good list. If you’re anything like me, this could be as simple as having a written/visual reminder in your Notes app. Along with my many declarations of independence, love/hate bangers, baby names and shopping lists, I now have MY VALUES list. Yeah, yeah, this sounds a little airy-fairy, but when you are essentially starting from scratch… whatever works.
So at risk of disposing my innermost desires and being totally exposed, ehhh, here goes! My 2023 (& final) list: SAFETY, DEPENDABILITY, RESPECT, SUPPORT, INTEGRITY, KINDNESS, PATIENCE, EMPATHY, HONESTY, PERSONAL GROWTH, OPEN MINDEDNESS & ALTRUISM.
Shiiiiiet, that’s a long list! Yikes. I will also add, you absolutely have to practice what you preach. I will openly admit, I am guilty of not only compromising on my own values/ethics for the sake of others, a fear of rejection and a myriad of other reasons, but then also not upholding my own values in how I have treated others at times. This has happened when I have been let down, betrayed or feel unsafe - there’s also probably been an element of self-sabotage, but phoarrf. I will also add another add (!) and that is, I don’t believe (from my experience) you can maintain loyalty to your core values when you are not in a healthy/safe relationship. I know, it’s a minfu%k; an interwoven web of damage, information and a deep yearning for more/better. In order to completely rebuild a structure that can’t be rattled, we often need to completely break and unravel first. A monumental reset and one that won’t always be easy, but by setting clear boundaries (in a list form or not, lol), this can only help with communication, feed and encourage a healthy relationship and affirm that baseline of self-respect that is essential to sustain your dignity.
PART TWO - FROM LITTLE THINGS, BIG THINGS GROW:
Welcome to part two of my article criticising the overuse of the word BOUNDARIES, while I overuse the word BOUNDARIES. Don’t worry, I’m almost done. I like to think of these (the ‘littler’ things) as the sub-headings under each of my core values - as per my list above. I hope that makes sense, but I will absolutely exaggerate to clarify and include examples to clear up any confusion. This doesn’t mean they are any less important, but naturally there’s a flow chart and I haven’t finished my rant, so?! Stay put.
I do not mean because I prefer Meredith Dairy goat’s cheese marinated in a garlic and herb infused oil, that I will not tolerate anyone who likes the Woolies goats cheese (as a boundary violation)… but, I will judge. Jokes. I am referring to things like social media use whilst in a relationship, EFFORT, name-calling, gaslighting, reciprocated energy/interest and just being a shitty person in less overt ways. I wouldn’t say any of these as a one off are a direct “go to jail; do not pass go, do not collect $200”, but they add up on the BS list. Of course, we are all entitled to setting whatever boundaries or rules within a relationship we wish and the same applies to the emphasis placed on these. For the purpose of today’s exercise though, i’m demonstrating (cathartically) what I will no longer tolerate and what icks me up the wall. I honestly think I would like to see all new relationships (after the deciding date/moment of this is the real deal), that there be some sort of contractual discussion - on both parts. It’s like signing a lease, or putting down a deposit! Conditions apply and there’s got to be a reasonable cooling off period, but why not?!
VISUAL INTERMISSION TIME, WOO!
This is a MAJJJJJORRRRR no thanks from me! #yuck
While I would love to expand on the social media discussion, i’ll save that for my special guest episode coming soon to AGLY. What I will say in terms of a brief wrap-up of this post > > > COMMUNICATION IS KEY. It’s rather ironic coming from the girl with a fearful avoidant attachment style, but hey. We will all undoubtedly bring in a degree of baggage and experience to each relationship of varying degrees, and it’s a learning curve as we iron out the kinks. What we do need though is a solid baseline of self-respect, a respect of others and certain values that we are unwilling to compromise on - the little things to the bigger things.
I remember the first time (and the million other times) that journalling was suggested to me, but use this however you please - i’ve only recently got into it, so there’s hope for everyone else. But I refuse to call it journalling, so let’s also work on a re-brand. It doesn’t need to be a ‘dear diary’ entry at the end of each day or even something you do every single day. It can be handwritten, in your Notes app (no, this is not a sponsored post for Apple) or wherever you are most comfortable. A private space where you can quite literally articulate your innermost fears, insecurities, your heartache, your regrets, your values, your pain and your BOUNDARIES. I am someone who prefers a visual cue and writing things down, there’s already too much going on inside my head. I believe it’s a way of simplifying the chaos and confusion. This isn’t about anyone else, it’s about honouring what’s important to you - the right ones will stay or they will fight to fix it.
We are all worthy of love. We are all worthy of respect. We all deserve to feel safe. We all deserve effort.
I will follow this post up with a poddie, but next up this week is EP 07 - Attachment Styles, Somatic Therapy, NPD & the Nervous System with Elizabeth Anile.
SJ x