BOUNDARIES, THE EGO & DOUBLE STANDARDS

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! Phhoarf, we’re definitely not in Kansas anymore (but great segue, SJ). Let’s welcome to the stage: boundaries, the ego and double standards. Just a few of my many relationship icks - also see relationship killers. I am still waiting for Samatha to save me, but my inner Carrie just had to commit ‘pen to paper’. Again. Ughh.

Someone once shared with me: “context: the basic building blocks of the universe” and i’ll apply the same reasoning here. There are some basic fundamentals (dem building blocks) of a healthy relationship that we must master in order to build, grow and feel safe with another. I can’t possibly cover them all in one post with my many visual intermissions, so I will dissect the three that have significantly impacted and shaped my own perspective. So with that all said, let’s just dive right in!

BOUNDARIES:

Yeah, yeah… another bloody buzzword - but this one absolutely has banger status. A very literal interpretation of boundaries is the idea of separation from others, and in a sense that’s true. However, what I’ve learnt (the hard way) is that healthy boundaries are crucial in maintaining a well rounded relationship. Our boundaries are just that, they are ours - our own personal framework/building blocks of what we will and will not allow. Our boundaries reflect our core values and the absence of these can (will) see you at the mercy of others. It’s probably also important to mention that others do not have to understand our boundaries, but if they want a relationship with us, they need to respect them.

Examples of boundaries can include: physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, digital, financial, and religious/spiritual. The spectrum of importance of these boundaries is entirely unique and valid. While I do believe we have our primary boundaries that are non-negotiables, I do think these can vary to a degree from partner-to-partner - or at least be considered for mild compromise (conditions apply). These guidelines need to be clearly communicated to others in order for them to understand, but the onus is on us to actually enforce them.

I guess I need to share a few of mine for some possible #inspo, but I’m also considering just compiling them into one document and passing them onto anyone who wants access to me - signature and deposit required. Alternatively, I could just send them here…

PHYSICAL: As someone who has experienced FV and DV in several relationships, the concept of even having a boundary of no physical violence may seem foreign - and it should. It should be a given. However, it’s more about the warning signs before it escalates for me now - intimidation of any sort. I will never tolerate a raised voice, abusive language or threatening posture/body language again. I used to be someone who could match just about any argumentative energy, but now, not only does my nervous system jolt into an absolute freeze response, I just can’t handle aggressive energy/vibration anymore - I completely shut down. At the slightest sign of this, I will remove myself, call a time-out or I will remove all access to me accordingly. When I spoke earlier about our boundaries coming from our core values, my number one value is SAFETY - physical and emotional.

EMOTIONAL: I think we would all naturally have a few (or several) that fall under this category, but for the sake of a reasonably succinct post, i’ll just mention one. If you’ve been lucky enough to experience a relationship where you feel someone is almost fluent in your needs (mind, body and soul), it can be quite the adjustment as you teach others how to understand, interpret and read you. Emotional boundaries are all about separating our feelings from our significant other’s, but with the greatest respect. For me, I need a partner to listen and validate my feelings/emotions when I communicate them. It’s actually not about their intent, who is right or wrong or whether you agree with how I feel. It’s about HOW I FEEL. To deny someone the opportunity to express how a situation or behaviour has made them feel, is incredibly dismissive and harmful. Emotional invalidation denies someone of their reality and a fair response, and it’s one of the quickest ways to lose someone. Emotional validation is about allowing another person’s feelings to simply exist - that’s it.

INTELLECTUAL: This is a big one for me, as I love a big brain - if you’ve got banter and brains, i’m yours. However, finding someone who aligns with our ideas, opinions and philosophical perspectives isn’t always that easy. This is why intellectual boundaries (like all of them) are crucial, IMO. Whether it’s politics, religion, sexuality, beliefs, or child rearing - we need to uphold respect, make room for other’s curiosity, and allow for an open dialogue - without prejudice. An example of one of my intellectual boundaries is that I don’t believe sexual orientation is a choice. You don’t have to agree with my opinion, but I will not accept being challenged in a negative or disparaging way. I expect the same space that I provide for others and that is to share my opinions openly and safely. I am always open to further conversation and a different point of view, but not if it’s imposed on me with judgment/actuality. You don’t have to agree with me, but I demand you respect me.

DIGITAL: Digital boundaries are our personal limitations that relate to technology (including social media). I’ll admit with full transparency, this whole social media in relationships is a new thing for me and a topic that can be extremely problematic - just ask my gf’s or algorithm! Digital boundaries can include time spent on social media/a device when we are in the presence of our partner and also how we conduct ourselves online. Whether this is what/who we post, who we follow (ex partners, hook-ups etc.) or the type of content we engage in. My digital boundaries (and there are many) are all about respect for our partner/relationship online and acknowledging that this digital footprint is a reflection of that relationship. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, I do believe they should be included in your online presence. I am all for privacy, but I won’t accept secrecy. I believe that following inappropriate people (ex partners, hook-ups, softcore porn/OF type content) is unacceptable, as is engaging with anyone in your DMs - in a manner you wouldn’t want your partner to see. Once again, you don’t have to agree with me on this, but this is a topic that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I believe this should be a conversation that takes place when the relationship shifts from a casual place to a more meaningful one - if not before. It can really stain an otherwise wonderful relationship. And make me passively shitty.

I hope with some context surrounding my own boundaries, this can allow others to maybe conceptualise how these work within a relationship - it only took me 38 years! In the absence of boundaries, you avoid honouring (or even understanding) your own self-worth and values, you often sacrifice and rob yourself of a mutually beneficial relationship, and it can hold you back from ever experiencing true vulnerability and authenticity. It all sounds quite logical when it’s written in front of you, but there is significant ground work required to get there. However, that internal work/understanding can bring about a beautiful internal peace and self respect that cannot be broken.

*IMAGE SOURCE: https://pin.it/6FgneNlU5*

THE EGO:

Most of us would assume when we discuss ego that it’s about a person’s belief that they are superior, self-centred and/or possess a strong desire for admiration and attention. While this is absolutely spot on, when ego enters a relationship it’s more about a blind inability to compromise, consider or empathise with a partner’s needs and feelings. In high conflict moments, a destructive ego can cause someone to completely lose touch with reality and consequence. It becomes a self-serving mission to destroy another - at any cost sometimes. Of course these are my UNprofessional opinions based on my own anecdotal experience, but for the sake of this post I will try and approach it with a broader scope.

I believe when there is a destructive ego at play within a relationship it is intimately linked to pride, shame and deep-seated insecurity. They all contribute to a greater attitude or perspective that creates an emotional disconnection with a partner, and I believe it’s all fear-based. As someone who has an anxious attachment style and a list as long as my arm RE trauma, I get it - the fear. However, there does come a point where an explanation for behaviour isn’t good enough - if we are hurting those we love.

A destructive ego in a relationship can also present itself through double standards and retroactive jealousy. According to Psych Central: “Retroactive jealousy means you feel threatened by your partner's past relationships. Feeling jealous about your partner's past may manifest as information-seeking behaviours like social media searching, but may also come up as constant comparisons, sarcasm, or snooping”. When I referenced a blind inability to compromise, consider or empathise above, this is a great example of this. They are blind in their rage. In moments where this type of ego takes over, all control and reasonable perspective/context is lost. This child-like fear can result in tantrums and irrational behaviour, with catastrophic consequences. All relationships will inevitably face conflict at times and we can all lose control, but when it transcends into revenge or abuse - a line is crossed.

We all respond and react in different ways when we feel fear, anger or jealousy within a relationship. Whether this is a freeze/fight/flight/fawn response, or a destructive ego taking control. They can all be explained by our respective pasts to an extent, but if it becomes a default position or repeated pattern that one continues to carry through relationships/life… it will only bring about devastation. The need to protect, defend and guard ourselves is a very normal and reasonable position. However, it can often lead to an outcome that (ironically) is not the desired one - potentially losing someone. It’s a complete loss of control and one I suspect often ends in regret, after the fact. Instead of reacting in destructive ways, learning to master the ability to pause and reflect should be the ultimate goal - and of course ensuring a relationship/person is not lost as a result. As I have said, conflict within relationships will inevitably occur and certain dynamics/people will trigger varying degrees of how we respond. Any feelings of fear, anger and jealousy are just and deserve validation and acknowledgment - in a measured and fair environment though.

For me personally, it’s taken a long time to finely tune and regulate (and I still experience a few hiccups) my nervous system - my response to the above feelings. I don’t believe my ego has ever really entered a situation to this degree, but I am well versed in the fight, freeze and fawn responses. By no means am I suggesting these are any less detrimental at times, but the focus here is on the ego. I’ve been on the receiving end of this within relationships and it always ends in devastation… unnecessary devastation and heartbreak.

DOUBLE STANDARDS:

Strangely, I am a little more understanding when it comes to setting boundaries within a relationship and learning what our values are as we evolve - probably because I too have fallen short in this area. I also have (some) forgiveness in my heart when it comes to a destructive ego, as I can appreciate it can come from a place of fear and panic. However, that flexibility and grace stops now! That sounds slightly self-righteous, but we are all deeply flawed as human beings and often for good reason. If you have insight and can demonstrate remorse and growth/change though, I will support you - from a distance, but I get it. When it comes to double standards though, yuck - massive ICK. My experience with double standards usually included an underlying tone of misogyny and there is absolutely no excuse or room for that in my life now.

I’m sure most of us are familiar with “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander”, but I will elaborate because i’m feeling a little obnoxious. For some context (dem building blocks): this means (very literally) what is good for a female goose is equally good for a male goose (gander); or, what is good for a woman should be equally as good for a man. It’s not always the case though, is it?!

Double standards can obviously range in extremity, but they are toxic and harmful nonetheless. They create a power imbalance and this more often than not leads to resentment and unnecessary conflict, which is never a good thing. Double standards can appear in different aspects of the relationship, including: finances, sex, jealousy, relationships rules/expectations, social, physical appearance, gender stereotypes within the home, philosophical opinions and so on - the list really does go on and on. While our respective values, beliefs, boundaries and priorities may differ, a healthy relationship requires mutual respect and fairness in order to thrive. I’ll go out on a tiny limb here and say that those who believe there should be two sets of rules/expectations within a relationship, regardless of gender or who upholds this idea, are toxic AF. Double standards can (in more extreme cases) also be a form of emotional abuse and a way for one person to gain power and control over the relationship.

The reason why I’ve come down on this topic so harshly is because I believe it’s more about how someone is hardwired - and their intent. We are all to some degree messy individuals who are navigating life, love, past trauma and our fears. For this reason, I do have some space for those who are at the very least trying to maintain/learn their values and supporting those by setting firm boundaries. I understand the need for these sorts of things (even ego to an extent) to be a work-in-progress. If you are someone who to your core believes there is inequality from the outset (gender, intellect, profession etc.) and then imposes that on another, pffft. BYE.

I don’t really have anything superbly profound to say before I hit publish, other than I hope this ‘dear diary’-esque post has been somewhat insightful. Whether that’s identifying less than average behaviour in a partner or even acknowledging some of it within yourself. We all need to take responsibility in our own healing.

With that being said, change and growth are always possible.

Where there is love, there is forgiveness.

SJ x

BOUNDARIES, THE EGO & DOUBLE STANDARDS

“I couldn’t help but wonder…”