“I couldn’t help but wonder…”
“I Couldn’t help but wonder”… do you believe in life after love?!
Well this is a remix I never saw coming - Carrie Bradshaw x Cher! Phhoarf. Today’s post is a little off track from my usual psychobabble and advocacy rants, but after witnessing my best friend marry her person a few weeks ago, gahhh - i’m a ball of mush. I’m clearly embracing my own Carrie Bradshaw window/laptop moment, only I’m in bed watching Miss Sloane with a face mask on and talking about true love. Hmmm. Someone call Samantha, who have I become?!
The concept of true love has intrigued poets and philosophers for centuries - and now, lil’ old me. Historically, i’ve always been quite cynical when it comes to romance and the fairytale we’ve been sold on ‘the one’. I understand this rather morbid POV was probably conditioned in my formative years (thanks, Dad), piggybacked by a series of pretty toxic relationships. However, underneath my hardened exterior, there’s a heart that loves hard and still loves love. The concept of true love is far more complex than a Disney movie (dammit) and love alone won’t hold a relationship together. However, the depth and respect of that connection will determine the trajectory of effort - I believe. As I step into my Carrie Bradshaw persona as a NYC newspaper columnist, I will explore: what defines or determines ‘the one’, the Three Loves Theory, the Let Them Theory and is it all enough…
Before I take you all on a journey inside my (slightly disgruntled) head and heart, I wanted to thank my best friend in the entire world for renewing my faith in finding YOUR PERSON. As I stood proudly behind our gorgeous bride, I watched and listened - intently. From the way he looked at her, to the almost child-like sway of her hips as she held his hands… I was in awe. While I can protest my cynicism (to an extent), there’s something so profoundly beautiful about a wedding ceremony and I felt all the feels. It’s almost impossible to not think about what loves means to you and who means what to you.
So, as Carrie said… “I couldn’t help but wonder”… But first, pics or it didn’t happen!
THE THREE LOVES THEORY:
I’ll declare from the outset that I’m not totallllllly sold on this one. While I do believe we can fall in love with others at different stages of our lives (for different reasons), I don’t know that it’s necessarily a crescendo-esque finale or that it’s a given order. I don’t know that I believe that we end on a specific/sequential type of love (love three: commitment). While our natural values and priorities may line up with this theory (by society’s standards), I question whether it’s enough. TBC.
There are close to a bajillion articles on this theory, but I’m going to share an excerpt from my most recent obsession - Mark Manson’s library of articles (for all the Millennials: his blog). Mark is the three-time #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, as well as other titles. I have read this book, but unfortunately I still give far too many f%uks - ughhhh. However, please don’t let this serve as a deterrent - i’m the problem! If you find a lot of the cryptic psychobabble (and I say that with the greatest respect) too heavy to process, I think you’ll enjoy reading his articles. They are to the point, they include the right amount of science/context, and you can either read or listen - lovely.
To read Mark Manson’s entire article that discusses the work of anthropologist Helen Fisher, click here.
“The premise of the Three Loves Theory is that not all love is experienced equally. Anyone with a fair amount of romantic/sexual experience could tell you that love and passion come in different flavours. With some people it’s intense and furious, with others it’s mellow and sensitive. With some, it’s tumultuous with a lot of ups and downs, with others it’s slow and consistent over a long period of time. The three loves that she (Helen Fisher) came up with are the following: Lust, Passion, and Commitment”.
LOVE ONE: LUST, LOVE TWO: PASSION & LOVE THREE: COMMITMENT.
BUT… “I couldn’t help but wonder…”
I believe these three types of love are actually components of a great love (what I look for), and I don’t know that it’s necessarily a chronological roadmap of certainty - if that makes any sense. Of course as we mature and evolve throughout our lives our priorities change, as do our values. However, in my experience (albeit limited), it’s my values and the depth of my self-worth that has dictated these loves. I really do believe we have several loves throughout our lives, but it’s the order of this theory that doesn’t totally align my perspective. I believe we have several loves for different reasons and that they all serve a purpose, but I just can’t get past the sequential order/assigned categories. I don’t think it’s always that simple - our hearts. While the ‘love three: commitment’ makes sense in how we’ve all been conditioned by society, is it enough? Anyway, food for thought.
IMAGE SOURCE: https://pin.it/15sgZ8Sco
THE ‘LET THEM’ THEORY:
For anyone who has an anxious attachment style (hello, it’s me again), the Mel Robbins viral ‘Let Them Theory’, might just hit the spot.
Those with an anxious attachment style often experience a strong desire for intimacy, but can also harbour a deep fear of abandonment. I won’t do an unprofessional deep dive as i’ve been there and done that. And while this post has a focus on intimate relationships, this theory can really be applied to just about anything - friendships, work, everyday life etc. I have included a clip below where Mel discusses this theory in much greater detail and applies some appropriate context, but for those who want to avoid the “about 6-8 weeks” (aka lead time/can you be bothered), i’ve simplified it to the best of my ability.
This theory is all about control, obsessive thoughts and surrendering. It can even be applied to the most basic of interaction with a stranger at the supermarket, to the many complexities of a relationship dynamic. Whether your predisposition is one of anxiety and mistrust or not, I think we can all resonate with trying to control others at times - leading to the outcome we want. While we can to an extent manipulate others, shame and guilt them, we actually cannot control them (who knew, lol). The energy and effort this takes from us and the relationship though, is counterintuitive. It can in effect distract us from the truth - letting others reveal who they really are. Here’s some of my own appropriate context I prepared earlier:
If they want to prioritise a job opportunity over your love and relationship? LET THEM
If they consistently ignore your personal boundaries that you’ve communicated? LET THEM
If they refuse to compromise or sacrifice in the ways you do? LET THEM
If you aren’t included in social events/celebrations? LET THEM
If they dictate double standards in the relationship that only serve them? LET THEM
If they aren’t willing to fight for you? LET THEM
If they act like they can live without you? LET THEM
JUST, LET THEM. Let them show you who they truly are, because there is no greater power than clarity - particularly for an overthinker. Let them reveal themselves and their intentions on their own - because they will. When you apply this theory you are then in a position to assess the accuracy of a situation/person, without seeing it through the lens of their potential. You are also in a position of power - true and authentic power.
Look, as someone who definitely has high-functioning anxiety, this type of logic makes me want to spew - it doesn’t always come naturally. It requires conscious effort, responsibility and practice. God speed, lol.
I’ve come this far and just realised i’ve made no mention of Cher - there goes that remix! For the record though, I do believe in life after love. For me though, it’s more about our personal definition of what that love looks like and what is enough. Maybe if you have experienced things like a turbulent past, or an intense sense of attraction/soul connection, or a feeling of home, you are more inclined to push the dividing lines. I also intimately understand the desire for safety and consistency, and i’m yet to determine if you can have it all. Maybe it all comes back to the head Vs the heart and what (if anything) we’re willing to compromise on. Love is such a unique and relative feeling, and one that I believe continues to evolve.
The 14.3% of me that still believes that some of us were put on this earth to find ‘the one’ or our missing piece… the love you experience would feel something like: someone who can interpret and translate your mind, body and soul - and then give you what you need in those moments without you even asking. Someone who is fascinated by the most insignificant updates in your day, but also one that you can reveal every layer to - the good, bad and ugly. Someone who will respect you when your back is turned, but who will also dance around the kitchen with you. Someone who will find joy in the most mundane of life’s tasks with you, but who will also stand up in your darkest moments.
Love is not always enough, but that kind of love should Trump (not a grammatical error, it’s coming) all else. Someone once shared an extract of a Biden speech with me > my dad used to say: “don’t tell me what you value. Show me your budget and I’ll tell you what I value”. Now let that all sink in, lol. I apologise for involving American politics in my closing argument (yuck), but one must illustrate said statement with an appropriate clincher.
And on that note, I will leave you with a little more Carrie and go to sleep…
“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous."
SJ x