Trauma Bonding & the Come Down
“Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection” - Deb Dana
This is a topic i’ve wanted to cover for some time now and my last blog post ‘Narcissist: It’s Not A Buzzword’, was the ideal prelude (yay…). While this fire burning inside of me is roaring, it’s proving more challenging than I had anticipated to articulate. Why? Because a trauma bond does not form from a logical thought pattern, nor is it a conscious choice. It’s often a slow and subtle accumulation of abusive behaviour, interlaced with a complex codependence with the perpetrator. The enormity of how a trauma bond is formed often doesn’t unravel until the relationship has ended and this is why the ‘come down’ is so extreme. For these reasons, trauma bonds are very hard to break because they can be so difficult to detect. They are deeply rooted in a desperate need for the relationship to not only continue, but for the victim to keep pushing for the validation, reassurance and love they crave - even while being abused. Trauma bonds create chemical warfare in our brains as they gradually become wired for fear, anxiety and stress. This is then intimately intertwined with intermittent hits of dopamine and oxytocin - the ‘good times’. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a parent or a friend, it’s important to understand that this is a form of addiction and deep attachment. You endure the heartache and fear because you learn there will be rewards and positive reinforcement coming. However, this cycle of abuse and the neurochemistry of this toxic type of love only secure a tumultuous relationship dynamic and one that will rarely end well. The anatomy of a trauma bond is a cluster F%$K of reactions and emotions and to many, it simply doesn’t make sense. And this is why…
WHAT IS TRAUMA BONDING?
Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. It occurs when the abused person forms a connection or relationship with the person who abuses them. The person experiencing abuse may develop sympathy for the abusive person, which becomes reinforced by cycles of abuse, followed by remorse. Trauma bonding is the formation of an unhealthy bond between a person living with abuse and their abuser. Trauma bonds are not just found in romantic relationships, they can also happen between family members, friends, and even coworkers. This bond is forged through affection alternating with abuse. The contrast between the two makes the affection seem more valuable and leaves the person hanging on for the next outpouring of positive reinforcement.
Depending on the type of abuse you’re experiencing, you might not feel safe leaving or self-advocating. According to research, victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) develop bonds with their abusers to survive the abuse. So instead of fighting back or fleeing, you focus on the good parts of the relationship and ignore the rest. You rationalize the fact that you’ve stayed by making excuses on behalf of your abuser. This sets you up for a repeated pattern of disregarding abuse. You become habituated to the relationship dynamic and increasingly powerless to leave.
SOURCE: Psych Central
RELATIONSHIPS AFTER CHILDHOOD TRAUMA:
As I said, trauma bonding is a vicious cycle of abuse and it can be extremely difficult to identify as it’s happening. This type of bond and attachment often piggybacks onto unresolved past/childhood trauma, which only feeds the beast. Those of us who have experienced some form of childhood trauma (particularly with a parent) can be more susceptible to future toxic relationships, as the foundation has already been laid. Our perspective and baseline of what is acceptable has been altered and in many ways, we are then conditioned to the chaos. It’s almost comforting in a way because it’s a known environment or state and hence why we are often repeatedly attracted to these types of personalities/dynamics. And unfortunately, I believe we accept the love we think we deserve.
When we are raised in an environment where safety and love is unavailable (or has to be earned), it’s not hard to see how that can translate into relationship struggles later in life. Growing up believing you are not worthy and that love comes at a cost (your own sacrifices/suffering), it causes immense and what feels like irreparable damage. It can lead to low self-esteem, trouble trusting others, a fear of abandonment and rejection and the ability to tolerate anything for the end goal - unconditional love, safety and acceptance. The lens in which we view ourselves is completely distorted and why we often believe we are not worthy or enough, which leads to learning/accepting that love and abuse go hand-in-hand. What is even more devastating is that instead of walking away from situations or people who trigger our childhood deficiencies, we are drawn to them - like a moth to the flame. If this is something that was absent in our childhood and until we can heal our inner child, this search will continue in the wrong partners. We place the responsibility on ourselves to prove our worth by believing that we are the problem, instead of seeing it for what it really is: ABUSE. UGH, it’s absolutely gut wrenching to put this into words… particularly when you reach an age or stage in your life where you can begin to dissect and understand this. A child who feels unloved and unlovable, will endure abuse and heartache for just a small amount of love or approval - and that then carries over to adulthood. And until we can recognise this within ourselves and redirect these desires into healthy and stable relationships, the pattern will continue.
So, what can a trauma bond can look like: justifying abusive behaviour, tolerating abuse to please them, changing your thinking to match their opinions, blaming yourself for their behaviour, a crippling fear of leaving the relationship or not feeling you can, offering forgiveness when they betray you, downplaying the abusive behaviour and focussing on the past’s ‘good times’ (in the hope it/they will change), hiding your true feelings out of fear of upsetting them and distancing yourself from friends/family who question the health of your relationship.
Spotting these types of destructive behaviour and identifying recurring patterns in the relationship is an important step in breaking a trauma bond. However, because this is usually a gradual dynamic that evolves, we often don’t recognise some of these behaviours as overtly abusive. For an outsider looking in, one must understand that an abusive person isn’t always horrible and will treat you well and apologise between outbursts - the constant shift between extreme highs and lows. The ‘good times’ and the relief that come intermittently does not reverse any of the damage caused though; it’s quite the opposite. This bond and attachment is established through affection, alternating with abuse, and the disparity between the two extremes makes the ‘good times’ even more meaningful. This is probably why we often tolerate just about anything and justify horrendous behaviour; for that hit of positive reinforcement. The more we focus on receiving the love, recognition, and approval from our abuser, the more the trauma bond is strengthened. And around we go…
If we circle back (i’ve always wanted to say that, lol) to childhood trauma and how it can impact relationships later in life, we are reminded of just how early our emotional bonds form in life. Particularly if people we depend on, like our parents, hurt us, this can distort our view on human connection and our expectations of those we love. What’s that saying… let’s give our children childhoods they don’t need to heal from - hmmm.
While the trauma isn’t our fault, it is our responsibility to heal.
THE COME DOWN:
Breaking free of a trauma bond brings with it feelings of intense withdrawal, anxiety and subsequent cravings for the toxic person - hence why this type of relationship can be likened to coming off a drug of dependence. There is a progressive loss of self in psychologically abusive relationships and feelings of instability and chaos, as we disconnect from a toxic dynamic. It’s an incredibly isolating time as you rebuild your confidence and the ability to set (and believe you are even worthy of) personal boundaries and relationship safeguards. Abusive partners will often engage in name calling, constant criticism and belittlement. So much so, you can begin to believe what they are saying. This is why your sense of self is completely shattered and as the victim you question your entire reality and perception - eg. if they call you a loser, you begin to see yourself as one. Some of the psychological abuse that is associated with a trauma bond forming is gaslighting and manipulation, and the person inflicting this will always shift the responsibility and blame onto the victim for their behaviour/reactions. Our response to this type of abuse can change over time (FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE, FAWN), but research suggests that repeated exposure to this type of abuse and trauma can alter the brain into a state of shock and severely impact our mental and physical wellbeing. This can include PTSD, other mental health illnesses, a change in hormones, hyper-vigilance, overt displays of emotional distress, anxiety/depression, extreme fatigue, trouble concentrating/brain fog and altered brain chemistry. IT CHANGES YOU.
Trauma bonds are hard to break, but even harder to live with. It is imperative to seek both professional help and surround yourself with a safe and supportive community as you heal from an abusive relationship. It will require patience from others and yourself, but it’s possible.
TREATMENTS & SERVICES AVAILABLE: trauma specialists, EMDR therapy, RTT. I will go into all of these at a later date.
THE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AFTER THE TOXIC ONE:
“Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven” - Kathy Overman.
What very few people understand is that the healthy relationship after the toxic one/s is often the hardest. It is uncharted territory and completely foreign in every respect, which only increases anxiety and the fear of the unknown. Gone are the extreme highs and lows, replaced with a steady normal - one which you will hopefully grow to appreciate as SAFETY. What takes a while to leave our system though, is the addiction to the extreme highs; because we had to endure so much to get there. What we need to re-learn is that the good times will enter at a healthy and stable rate in the right relationship - and ones that do not need to be earned. Because the good times are unpredictable in a toxic relationship, our brain starts to lust for and anticipate them - that hit of dopamine and oxytocin. Again, why people liken the flip side of an unhealthy relationship to coming off a drug - there’s withdrawal and confusion. The unknown can be even worse than the abuse itself, when we are not healed or ready. This is why I believe we need to understand our own contribution and role in a toxic dynamic. To put it a little less aggressively (and no, i’m not pointing any blame)… what is it that we crave and why in past relationships have we compromised this within ourselves and accepted disgusting behaviour. I think in many ways, we needed them and they needed us for our respective reasons - BUT, IT’S TOXIC.
When you are in a relationship where something bad could happen at any given time, the need for control is heightened to a blinding level. So much so, our fear of danger (that probably isn’t coming in a healthy relationship) is enough for us to create our own roadblock in preparation. When we shift gears into a healthy relationship it can rattle our nervous system and in-turn that can manifest into some awful choices - helllllooo, self-sabotage. I believe this is one of the many defence mechanisms we can unconsciously deploy to ‘protect’ ourselves, others being: paranoia, not addressing negative emotions/speaking up about something that upsets us, holding grudges, the list goes on. It’s as though we are waiting for them to stuff up, to hurt us, to betray us. A deep belief that everyone will let us down…It’s also important to acknowledge that toxic relationships don’t always start that way, so once the novelty and intense excitement shift into a steadier gear (normal), you can often find yourself wondering and waiting for what’s around the corner - anticipating past abuse/punishment recurring. What are they hiding? When will they hurt me? Feelings of disbelief in a steady relationship, that it is all too good to be true. And then BOOM, you’ve blown-up that entire relationship out of fear. It’s hard. It’s so F-ING hard. But it highlights the severity of the ‘come down’, or as I described it in my last article: THE AFTERMATH. Of course this is only the illusion of control, but it weirdly gives you a sense of power in a situation where we feel we have none. If you enter toxic relationships that mimic past trauma, at least they can be predictable - as hectic as that sounds. You may also mistake this new-found peace and safety of a healthy partner for boredom, but it’s crucial that you let your mind and body adjust to this new tempo.
I mean duh, Captain Obvious. But it ain’t wrong…#easiersaidthandone
So how do we, as recovering survivors of this abuse, ever feel worthy enough to accept a healthy and honest love? To let someone in completely, let go and embrace what we truly deserve? Phhhwwooaaff, lol. In short, this will be a pattern that repeats itself until YOU DO NOT. If was to moonlight as a psychologist i’d probably say something like… take a step back and understand what it is that you didn’t receive as a child, what it is that you need in a partner now as a result and to heal your inner child (BEFORE you enter a new relationship!). Sweet Jesus that sounds horribly cringe, but it’s more than likely pretty accurate. It’s about being open and honest in a way you probably haven’t been before - with yourself and others. It’s about working through your past and the feelings that are attached to that with total vulnerability. With a healthy partner it’s about clearly communicating your past triggers, setting clear boundaries and expectations within the relationship and doing this with assertion. Obviously speaking with a trauma specialist and other therapies is a critical part of this recovery and journalling can help. The right person will be patient and allow you to feel safe as you continue to heal, but above all else, you must be committed to addressing this head on. The first hurdle being; the assumption everyone will hurt you. When all you really want is your person to love and protect you.
I remember a boyfriend of mine when I was 19 years old telling me “assumptions are the mother of all F$%k ups”, god dang it… he was right, lol. UGH. While we are all equally flawed human beings for our own reasons, you do reach a level of maturity where honesty and vulnerability is the greatest form of intimacy. The right person/people will listen, they will try and understand and they will be an imperative part of your next level of healing and growth.
Wow, that was heavy. I need to spice $hit up again and write about fake tan and skincare between these bangers, geeeeezzz. I’ve included some podcasts below that may help some of you. My next article will be a fun one… famous last words!
SJ x
RESOURCES:
Episode 3 - Trauma Bonding: Feeling Addicted to a Toxic Person
Toxic Relationships: What Trauma Bonding With A Narcissist Does To A Decent Person
Episode 234: Are you Trauma Bonding in Your Relationships and Don’t Realise it?
Trauma Bonding and How We Can Heal
SOURCES:
Psych Central: https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-is-trauma-bonding#trauma-bonding