NARCISSIST: IT’S NOT A BUZZWORD

Welcome to my Speakers’ Corner. Please get comfortable, it’s a Biggie - no Smalls.

For those of you who are furrowing your Botox-free foreheads at the screen, I will elaborate. The Speakers’ Corner is a site located in Hyde Park, London. It’s a traditional gathering place where public speeches, debates and demonstrations have taken place since the mid 1800’s. I visited the Speakers’ Corner back in 2012 while I was in London doing an internship at GRAZIA magazine. When I returned home to Australia I started my first blog, so i’m sure it was combination of both that had me hashtag #influenced.While there will be no unruly behaviour, extreme profanities or arrests here; I will publish my opinions respectfully - sans literal megaphone. So, what has got my knickers in a twist today?! Phhhhwooah. It’s what I believe is a concerning trend of people overusing (and misusing) the label of NARCISSIST, amongst many others. I Googled this trend (obvs), and realised I am not alone in my beef (p.s great show on Netflix - Beef). I digress, already. Uhhh.

Before I proceed from the (dis)comfort of my corner, I would like to preface this post by saying: I COME IN PEACE. I’m yet to completely master the art of ‘pick your battles’, but it’s something I’ve had a lot of experience with of late. However, this is a topic that is very meaningful to me. There’s also a part of me that knows it’s easier to just sit back and shut up, keeping my eye rolls and disappointment to myself. Butttttt, here I am. This draft has been sitting in the back end of my blog for over a week now and as Bruce Buffer would say… iiiiiiiiiiit’s, TIIIIIMMMEEE!

So, pop psychology - it’s a bit of a double edged sword. It has the power to positively promote mental health awareness to a new and wider audience, encourage personal growth and introspection. I have no doubt it’s also helped many people seek further information and clarity on psychological concepts. In fact, I have seen firsthand online how it’s lead to more meaningful conversations and a better understanding of behaviour/our responses. However, on the flip side of this is where it can become dangerous. I’ve observed time and time again (mostly on reality TV/social media), this trend of overusing and misusing certain terminology. It’s often said with flippancy and it simplifies very complex concepts. I am all for opening up difficult conversations for the right reasons, but it’s on us to share our opinions responsibly and with integrity. Unless you are a health professional and qualified to do so, using terms to label someone with such conviction like narcissist, can be problematic. The misuse of this not only trivialises the true meaning of NPD, but it can also negatively impact the victims who are suffering. Victims may minimise their own experiences by confusing insults or inaccurate descriptions, with the true pathological condition/abuse - welcome to the stage, NPD Vs narcissism.

I will momentarily interrupt this post with a visual intermission, as it’s getting very wordy already. I am sure I’m not alone in how satisfying it is to surf through quotes and visuals online, that often bring comfort and confirmation of an emotion in a condensed (and aesthetically pleasing) way. All from the comfort of my bed, couch and toilet. Nice.

Ok, we’re back. And before anyone points out that I am not a qualified health professional, duh, i’m not here to diagnose or speculate about anyone or any specific situation. What I am here to do though, is give my two cents on topic that has been bothering me - even though nobody asked! Soz. So, this seems an opportune time to include some definitions and information that may assist in clearing up any confusion…

NARCISSTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER (NPD) DEFINED:

NPD is a mental health condition in which a person believes they are better than everyone else. While many people have narcissistic traits, people with NPD have problems that affect their lives, relationships and everyday life. NPD is part of the cluster of personality disorders with symptoms of intense and unstable emotions and a distorted self-image. It usually starts in the early adult years and affects more men than women.

Source: www.healthdirect.gov.au

SYMPTOMS OF NPD:

Feelings of grandiosity (being superior), fantasising about power, beauty, success and intelligence, exaggerating achievements and abilities, constantly seeking attention and admiration, superiority - specifically towards people perceived as ‘lower’ in status, inflated sense of entitlement, obsession with class and status, expecting constant praise and recognition for achievements, unrealistic goal setting, a strong desire for control in relationships, inability to listen to others, envy those perceived as being of a higher status, lack of awareness regarding others, exploiting others for personal gain, a lack of empathy and arrogance.

Source: www.healthdirect.gov.au

NARCISSISM VS NPD:

Narcissism is the human experience of feeling important, needing admiration and attention, wanting success and love. It’s normal and can even be a healthy personality trait, if it’s mild and occasional. It’s perfectly possible to feel or act a little narcissistic, even unpleasantly so, without having a disorder. NPD involves a more extreme form of narcissism that can cause great distress and impairment over time.

Source: www.sane.org

Before I go any further, it’s just occurred to me that I haven’t actually mentioned what pushed me from an eye roll to publishing a blog post - ooops. Well, THIS… and *dramatically points below*. This is an Instagram post a friend of mine shared last week (hey, ZoZo - the cutest catalyst that I ever did see!). I had noticed this trend recently and it was bugging me, but when I saw it broken down so simply… I was like, YASSS GIRL! THIS! And as they say, the rest is history.

It’s probably safe to say we have arrived at the crux of my argument > narcissism versus NPD - know the difference. As I’ve already banged on about, only a trained mental health professional can accurately diagnose NPD and identify true narcissistic traits in someone. I believe we are all entitled to question certain behaviour and call it out, as long as it’s informed, considered and presented objectively (and… uhhh, correct). This segues nicely into my last banger of a point and the one that is arguably the most important part, HOW THIS SHITTY BEHAVIOUR/ABUSE IMPACTS THE VICTIM.

THE AFTERMATH:

Here in Australia we have some pretty disturbing statistics when it comes to domestic violence and sexual assault against (predominately) women - and that’s putting it mildly. However, when we discuss narcissistic/psychological abuse and coercive control, such information is harder to calibrate. I think for most people it’s easier to process any type of abuse that falls under the umbrella of family violence, with data and statistics. Or anything for that matter - we like numbers and we like simplicity. While I do understand this, it’s also why I think there is so much confusion surrounding this topic. And as a result this term is being misused so widely, and the horrendous consequences of NPD are not being appropriately acknowledged. For those who have suffered chronic narcissistic and psychological abuse, the effects can be devastating - that shit absolutely destroys you. It can leave you struggling with symptoms of PTSD, Complex PTSD and your sense of self-worth completely obliterated. The aftermath can include: depression, anxiety, dissociation, trust issues, self-doubt, addiction, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal, burnout, emotional flashbacks to the abuse, self-sabotage, a feeling of helplessness and worthlessness. When you are living with this type of systematic abuse it’s often a slow-burn and can be hard to identify, even though on some level you know something isn’t right. This goes way beyond someone being disrespectful, selfish or nasty. True pathological narcissism is very different to problematic and crappy behaviour - how’s that for an intellectual statement, lol. But, seriously.

There can also be some contradictory feelings of withdrawal when a toxic relationship ends, like coming off a drug of dependence. In this situation it’s adrenaline and cortisol. This type of abuse can be addictive (trauma bonding), which can then trigger feelings of immense shame, guilt and self-loathing. Whether this is a partner, family member or a friend, this type of abuse changes you. It can completely alter your perspective on the world around you/others, new relationships and the most damaging part; your relationship with yourself. As an outsider looking in, it’s almost impossible to comprehend the enormity of the aftermath and how/why it almost gets worse when the relationship is over. Narcissists don’t like losing control and they will retaliate, and this is only heightened if there are children and family members involved. While you can often escape this person in a literal sense by cutting ties, what is left as a result can be likened to an infection continuing to make you sick. This type of abuse is insidious and relentless. So when this label is applied to a person with ignorance, it completely diminishes the gravity of the situation - as well as being detrimental for many other reasons.

You cannot reason with a true narcissist - their ‘logic’ defies belief. They will never appreciate your perspective/opinions, as the world revolves around them. They are always right. They are arrogant, vindictive and manipulative. They are cruel. They will make you feel crazy. They will spread vicious lies about you to shift blame and to avoid revealing who they truly are. It’s not fair. You will feel like you are failing. You will feel broken. Healing takes time and a lot of hard work. But never forget, abuse is abuse and it’s not your fault.

If you have got this far into my post, thank you and well done for pushing through. I told you it was a Biggie! My blog is my Speakers’ Corner and my opinions only. I have no desire to shove these down anyone’s throat, I only want to encourage looking at topics through a different lens. Before I sign off and tune into the Vanderpump Rules reunion P2 for my highly anticipated #scandoval update, i’ll leave you with a few social media pages (good ones) and podcasts to follow. SJ x