Mirror, Mirror on the wall…
“In life, finding a voice is speaking and living the truth. Each of you is an original. Each of you has a distinctive voice. When you find it, your story will be told. You Will be heard” - John Grisham.
Today is ‘R U OK? Day, so I thought it would be only fitting to put up my hand and admit, no, i’m not. But, I will be.
While this image for me represents the person that I am becoming, the positivity and the smile mask an indescribable amount of pain and fatigue. There is something bittersweet about breaking into a million pieces, and slowly rebuilding to shape an entirely new form. Holding up a mirror isn’t always pretty, but i’m going to give it all i’ve got.
I have reached a crossroad in my life where I can no longer hide from myself - the ‘little SJ’. The little girl who craved the unconditional love and protection from her father, and who continued to search for that in every relationship as an adult. Without result. Reconciling my childhood trauma and how it has affected my choices as an adult, has been a confronting series of realisations. Learned behaviour, environments that I have been conditioned to normalise and the compromises i’ve made in order to shield myself (from actually healing), it’s a lot.
I would hide behind perfectionism, needing external validation, people pleasing, fixing others, co-dependency, living own high alert and the deep fear of abandonment. This played out in my friendships and relationships. It controlled me and I let it. Unhealed childhood trauma can manifest in many ways and as a result, we create coping mechanisms in order to survive. Complex trauma survivors often become so comfortable with the chaos, fear and pain, that the idea of safety in their lives and relationships can be foreign, and even threatening. While that sounds completely irrational, it’s the familiarity that provides comfort and enables for that cycle to continue.
The essence of trauma is a disconnect from the self - a rewiring of the brain to protect, and not connect. I’m aware after deep introspection and the desperate desire to ‘fix myself’, it won’t be easy. I understand now from what I experienced in my childhood, that I never stopped loving those who hurt me, I just loved myself a little less - each time. The constant question, why was I not enough? It hurts.
But, here I am! Stripped back, raw and ready for the next chapter.
As I embark on this new podcast, A Girl Like You, to share my story and those of others, it has never been and never will be to gain unhealthy attention, sympathy or pity. For me, I find it incredibly cathartic to share in my pain, my past and my growth, in the hope it helps just one person.
THE PODDIE //
My episodes will be candid conversations about breakthroughs, loss, success and life on the flip side. I don’t know how I’ll go without my usual co-host and dear friend from All That Triggers, Zoe Karlis, but i’ll figure it out! Alas, this won’t be all doom and gloom - that’s not how I roll. But it will be unfiltered and it WILL be fun! I hope so, anyway… *awkwardly smiles and shrugs*.
I’m excited to announce that my very first guest is a beautiful friend of mine who is raising her two boys who have Autism. She is someone who has been a constant source of support and love since I met her, and I cannot wait to share her incredible story with you.
For anyone struggling today or any other day, keep going. Keep pushing. And, ASK FOR HELP.
Finally, a massive thank you to Nicole Paspiliaris (photographer), Chantelle Miller (Koh - Elwood), Kathryn Marrone (MUA) who worked with me on my recent shoot. I started the day in tears and it ended in snorting laughter - just the way I like it! Thank you all for embracing my new venture and ensuring I felt safe and supported. And to my incredible mum, sister, friends and my support network - thank you for never giving-up on me, SJ x