AGLY Ep One - The Debrief
After my weekly Teams meeting with my board of directors (me, myself and I), we have decided that it would be a great idea to post a debrief after each episode of A Girl Like You. While I love the rawness of my podcast and how I deliver it unedited, I find I can often get lost in the emotion and believe my words here can help solidify my message (and with less swear words). I will also use this as a more detailed version of my show notes, which will include some valuable resources and a more in-depth discovery of topics and specific issues I have raised.
Before I launch into a tidier version of the word vomit I spewed last week, I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who tuned in! Within 48 hours I was number one in the Australian Apple Podcasts charts, in the self-improvement category! I am still shaking my head in disbelief, but I am so incredibly grateful and proud. As I mentioned in my introductory episode, my return to social media and this podcast was filled with so much anxiety and self-doubt. However, as uncomfortable as it makes me… I WON’T BACK DOWN - *sung in the words of Tom Petty*. While episode one { Daddy Issues & The Damage } was pretty heavy, I can assure you I will produce a tolerable balance of topics in season one. I’m here for good times, the bad times and everywhere in-between. So as my intro says, now let’s get into it!
Ummmmm, THANK YOU! WTF?!
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA:
A big takeaway from this episode for me was probably identifying my incredible ability to compartmentalise - in just about every situation you can think of. I believe as children when we are exposed to family violence, particularly emotional abuse, we unconsciously and desperately search for an escape. An escape from our reality and sometimes, our own mind and heart. One thing I forgot to cover was an earlier childhood memory of my fascination with imaginary play. I remember quite clearly disappearing into my bedroom as a young girl for hours on end, to play with my Barbies and cars. While on the surface this appears totally normal (and is), what I would like to explain is the distortion behind these storylines while I was playing. It was always the ‘perfect’ nuclear family: the pretty mum, the handsome dad, the two kids and their wonderfully happy life. Like that’s all it would take, right?! WRONG. That even makes me cringe reading it back; but it’s the truth. This description about their appearance is actually quite confronting (and disturbing) and a major red flag if you will, which I can obviously identify now as an adult. As I unpacked this and other memories, it segued nicely into another topic I revealed: the colour of my hair. This damage I harped on about is all intimately intertwined and layered. This is where that division of the ‘little SJ’ and the "‘big SJ’ comes into the mix and the importance of now at 36yrs of age, separating the two.
As I write this, I can see the memories playing back like a home movie in my mind. The little SJ sitting there on her floor, getting lost down a treacherous pathway that would ultimately lead her here - rock bottom. Oh, hey! The painful realisation that these ‘safeguards’ and coping mechanisms that were so innocently put in place to protect myself, have actually almost destroyed me. In many ways they actually worked as a blocker - to opportunity, to personal growth, in my relationships and to finding peace and closure within. This led me to dissociate and remain at arms length, particularly where emotional vulnerability and my deep fear of rejection and abandonment were at play. While I do feel a sadness for the time I've lost and some of the people I’ve lost, I’m here now and finally facing it head on. Healing from and acknowledging my childhood trauma has been equal parts painful and exciting. If I could illustrate this with a visual/topical reference, it’s almost as though everything has cornered me into one of those escape rooms - minus the fun workplace team building experience. The only way I can get out and be free of it, is to essentially work through each layer like a combination lock. I am equipped with these codes, as are we all if we want it badly enough - the wisdom, life experience, support, knowledge and a greater understanding/perspective of what occurred. There’s no easy or quick fix, but it’s doable and I refuse to accept any other outcome.
THE BIG RED REVEAL:
Yep, so my secret is out, lol. I’m a ginger ninja! Holy shit, it still feels weird saying it out loud - ahhhhhhh! HELP! I guess (at risk of rocking the PC boat!) you could say I was born a red head, but over time I identified as a blonde. But, seriously. For all the wrong reasons of course, but it became a mask I hid behind for years. As I mentioned in this episode, I believe this unhappiness with my appearance started with my dad - thanks, mate. He told me on several occasions growing up that I wasn’t his daughter because of the colour of my hair. In fact, years later he even asked for a DNA test - pretty f%$ked, huh. In the words of Maury Povich - SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER! Hmm, but the damage was done. Sidenote: my cousin is red head, my great grandfather was a red head, and I looked like my dad, ugh, anyway. Asshole with a capital A, I shouldn’t even need to justify it. It was then further perpetuated by other’s comments along the way and I guess the mixed messaging I received as I entered the dating world. I will still argue until I’m black and blue, that there is nothing wrong with a healthy desire to improve your appearance (not change, improve). By that I mean: make-up, dying your hair, applying fake tan etc. What isn’t healthy is believing that your appearance is somehow (or directly) linked to somebody LOVING AND ACCEPTING YOU. To most this would sound pretty obvious, but after 20 years of relying on this mask the damage runs deep. It was almost a form of conditioning in the worst possible way. The mask received some positive feedback and I guess added fuel to fire (lol, poor choice of words?!). While I don’t necessarily believe I need to strip it all back in a literal sense, by speaking about this for the first time publicly is the first big step of acceptance (within myself). So, watch this space!
PARTING WORDS:
“It’s not you, it’s me”.
Far out… it’s taken me 36 years, several relationships, heartbreak, being smashed into a million pieces and so much pain to finally understand this! The damage my dad caused me and all the other men I mentioned in the episode was NEVER about me, it was about THEM. Their insecurities, their damage/baggage, their lack of insight and their selfish desire to project it onto me. I’ll just interrupt my Ted Talk momentarily with the admission: i’m also not perfect (!!!). I too am probably guilty of this in some way at times, but there does come a time where enough is enough. That time for me is now. I get it… vulnerability, growth and deep introspection are more painful than any mask - but it’s not real. It will hold you back from some amazing opportunities and life experiences. The biggest one being: TRUE HAPPINESS AND PEACE.
I also want to say to an outsider, it may be hard to understand why people who experience family violence don’t “just leave”. It’s not that easy and it’s probably the most hurtful and insensitive thing anyone can say. There are so many factors at play and a lot of the time, many don’t even identify as being in an abusive relationship. Each and every situation will vary and it’s not something anyone else in entitled to have an opinion on, in my opinion! What you can do for someone who is experiencing family violence, is be there for them. Don’t be afraid to ask what they need and always lend a judgment free ear and a safe space for them to confide in you. Leaving can often be a dangerous operation and that cannot be ignored, so tread carefully.
RESOURCES:
The Orange Door is a free service for adults, children and young people here in Australia, who are experiencing or have experienced family violence and families who need extra support with the care of children. You should contact The Orange Door if:
someone close to you is hurting you, controlling you or making you feel afraid – such as your partner, family member, carer or parent(s)
you are a child or young person who doesn’t have what you need to be OK
you are worried about the safety of a friend or family member
you need more support with the care of children, e.g. due to money issues, illness, addiction, grief, isolation or conflict
you are worried about the safety of a child or young person
you need help to change your behaviour and stop using violence in your relationships
The Orange Door can work with you on your own, or together with your family members depending on your situation.
THIS WEEK ON A GIRL LIKE YOU…
This week on A Girl Like You, I have a very special episode dropping about living with Autism. A topic I believe we should all familiarise ourselves with.
My very kind and courageous friend shares in her family’s experience with their two boys, Oscar (12) and Leo (10), who were both diagnosed with Autism (ASD). I have learnt through listening and watching her journey that Autism support is more about approach, not strategy. We discuss the ways in which society’s demoralising judgments and our collective lack of understanding can impact these families. As the world begins to shift into a more inclusive and supportive place (slowly), I feel it is our duty to educate ourselves and understand the stories of others.
This episode will be available shortly on Apple Podcasts & Spotify. For more content, you can follow me at @agirllikeyou_podcast.
SJ x