Daddy Issues & The Damage
Be careful with a girl whose father was the first person to break her heart…
Before I go any further, I should acknowledge that this blog title is a little lazy and contains a throwaway line to describe a very real and valid trauma. I certainly hope this catchall phrase doesn’t offend or upset anyone. I understand that it does have negative connotations and can come across as dismissive and belittling - but it’s also true. It’s only recently that this phrase doesn’t sit well with me, but I also struggle to find a more accurate descriptor.
Violence against women is a significant human rights issue here in Australia, with little change in the partner violence figures since 2005. According to Our Watch 95% of all victims of violence, both women and men, experience this from a male perpetrator. Family violence includes: physical violence, sexual violence, emotional abuse and coercive control. This type of abuse does not discriminate and occurs in all socio-ecomonic and cultural groups. However, the statistics do indicate that domestic violence is signifcantly worse in regional and Indigenous communities. Family and domestic violence can have long-lasting and detrimental psychological effects (oh hey, that’s me!), and is the leading cause of homelessness for women and children here in Australia.
“You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and raging courage” - Alex Elle
In this post I want to be open about my childhood experience with family violence and how it has impacted me later in life, particularly in intimate relationships and my attitude towards men. No child is capable of grasping the magnitude of an abusive and toxic relationship with a parent in their formative years - the end. They also certainly can’t predict the impact that this can have on them further down the track. So if you look at it that way, it’s almost impossible to intervene or begin to heal before some or a lot of the damage is done. For me, I grew-up with an abusive father for the first 16 years of my life until he was forcibly removed from our home. The many coping mechanisms that I developed as a shield of avoidance have finally begun to crumble. It has been a painful experience, but it’s a good thing. Confronting this type of psychological trauma isn’t easy, but you inevitably reach a point where you have no other choice if you want to be truly happy and heal. It’s now (finally) a feeling of separation. It’s the little SJ and the grown-up SJ - they have parted ways. Please excuse my digression into third person, but I am trying to illustrate a point as clearly as I can. I actually feel this immense desire to protect and heal my younger self, and I believe the separation of these parts is essential for growth and the only way forward. If we remain together the battle between them in my response when something triggers me continues. The scars runs deep and more often than not, there’s a significant crossover that can cause a domino effect of shit. There’s really no other way to put it.
My dad passed away in 2016 about six months before I lost Charlotte. I had’t seen or had any contact with him in over 15 years and I was surprised by how much it rattled me. I can honestly say I never loved him, but I desperately wanted him to love me. I now know that this is when my walls were built - it was me against the world. I mastered the ability to cut off people who hurt or betrayed me without a second thought, I was cynical about relationships/men, I chose the wrong men, I trusted very few people and my inherent belief that all men were bad dictated a lot of my behaviour and choices. I also now recognise that I searched for his love and approval in nearly every relationship I’ve had since I was 16 - as Freudian as that sounds. While his death in some way brought me comfort that we were now safe, it was also met with a complicated sadness and a feeling of loss. But what had I actually lost? I couldn’t work that out. As the months and years have passed, I now think it was me finally acknowledging and grieving for what I never had - his unconditional love and protection. Up until that point the focus had always been on keeping safe and as far away from him as I could be. I’ve often struggled with the regret of not confronting him about how he hurt me, but realistically I believe it only would have caused further heartache and disappointment. Sometimes no response is the best response. Instead I am now focussing on regaining and learning how to take the power back. The power to heal and understand that his behaviour (and anyone else’s) is/was not a reflection or reaction to me as a person. I still struggle with this today, but my desire to reach a healthy level of self-acceptance trumps any residual shame or anger I have towards him.
“Your abuser is only as strong as your silence” - Najwa Zebian #andjustalittlefookyoufromme
THE IMPACTS OF TRAUMA & OUR RESPONSE
While our responses to abuse/trauma will vary, we all release hormones when we feel stressed or frightened: cortisol and adrenaline. This is an automated response and we have no control over it. The range of responses are often categorised as: THE FREEZE RESPONSE - feeling paralysed/unable to move, THE FLOP RESPONSE - basically doing what you are told without protest, THE FIGHT RESPONSE - just that, fighting or struggling in order to defend yourself, THE FLIGHT RESPONSE - hiding, and THE FAWN RESPONSE - trying to please the person harming you. It’s important to also understand that these responses can last long after the event and particularly when triggered. For me personally, I think I have experienced a combination and variation of all of the above. Lucky me!
If we look beyond these responses or categories as they are described, a trauma response can also evolve into: anger, flashbacks, hyper-arousal (def me), anxiety, low self-esteem (yeppp), severe trust issues, an addictive personality, dissociation (also yeppp), sleep issues, shame/guilt, fatigue & memory loss, and denial. What a shopping list, hey? Jeeeesus. See, there’s that slightly sadistic sense of humour of mine rearing it’s cute little head again - also one of my trauma responses and coping mechanisms! Meh, could be worse. What is so important in order to heal is that we learn to identify these reactions, our triggers and then to work through them - calmly and safely. And while the cycle of abuse may have ended, the cycle of response can continue. It takes time and it takes practice. I also believe that unhealed trauma attracts unsafe partners, and that being in a new and safe relationship can feel foreign and even more scary (the unknown). It all sounds relatively easy in theory with my wizardry-esque words of wisdom, but if only that was the reality. I will say though, the desire to rid yourself of this weight once you have a better understanding of it becomes addictive - in a healthy way. It’s only taken me 36 years, but hey. Here I am and FOOK YOU!
I could literally write 654 blog posts on how my childhood experiences have shaped me, but today’s post is more about me introducing this dialogue as a starting point. In future episodes and blog posts I will be discussing: patriarchy & power, trauma bonding, coercive control, narcissistic abuse and trauma attachment. It’s heavy stuff I know, so i’ll ensure I add in some beauty, motherhood, memes and fashion related posts to ease the load - topics I am equally passionate about.
If what I have raised in this post has triggered you, please trust that there are so many helpful resources available at your disposal (confidentially and anonymously). Sometimes it can be easier to speak to someone totally removed from your situation that has professional experience - or been through it themselves. The fear of judgment and/or the repercussions of opening up to someone close to you can be overwhelming and not always constructive. Family violence and all that falls under this category is a scary, lonely and an isolating place to be - but you are not alone.
RESOURCES:
I have recently started listening to The Trap - an Australian podcast hosted by Jess Hill. This was recently recommended to me and it’s been a confronting, but comforting listen. This is a series about love, abuse and power. This podcast is brought to you by the Victorian Women’s Trust (VWT), a proudly independent feminist organisation here in Australia. They support women, girls and gender diverse people to thrive
1800RESPECT is a national domestic, family and sexual violence organisation that offers 24/7 support, you can call 1800 737 732 or reach out via the online chat on their website
