When Life Chooses You

Hellllllo, it’s so lovely to be back writing again! While I had done a sneaky soft launch with a bio link to my new blog, I hadn’t posted on my @sheis_sarahjane feed for nearly two years until last weekend. Does this make it an official HARD LAUNCH?! I like that, it sounds HOT. And in case you’ve forgotten what a sadistic sense of humour I have, that was a joke. I don’t take myself that seriously.

Well, my vague attempt at a comedic intro ends now. Today’s post is about something incredibly close to my heart and that is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day - this Saturday 15th October. As many of you would know I lost my second daughter Charlotte just over five years ago. What is also so special about this day is that her little brother, my rainbow baby Max, came early and arrived on this very day. He is turning four tomorrow! I’m not a super spiritual person, but if I was, his birth was almost the ultimate exchange and parting gift from Charlotte. I don’t know if i’ve shared this before and it sounds a little cooky, so stay with me with an open mind.

Charlotte Rose - born 10th January 2017

I remember being absolutely paralysed with fear during my labour with Max. I just kept repeating to myself; what if it happens again, what if I lose another baby…

These dark thoughts consumed my pregnancy with him and skyrocketed during the labour. For me and I can only assume for many others, pregnancy after loss can be a very traumatic experience. I have no doubt that there was an element of PTSD, coupled with a complete lack of control and the fear of the unknown - not a place I like to be! After being induced due to my water’s breaking and not a lot of movement, it was a reasonably quick process in comparison to Mia’s 24 hour labour. And while I had an amazing team of supporters around me, it was almost like an out of body experience. I was so close, but that was the scariest part. This was on the back of Charlotte’s birth 18 months earlier. The cries of babies being born around me on the delivery suite when I knew my fate was a very different ending, was hell on earth. A silence that will haunt me forever. As my labour with Max progressed, soon enough the time rolled around where I begun to push. As I approached the finish line, it was then when my OBGYN asked me to reach down and deliver Max from his shoulders (side note: I also did this with Mia and if you can, I highly recommend you do it. It was two of the BEST experiences of my life). THIS is when the strangest and most wonderful thing happened (the cooky part as mentioned above). Not only did I lay eyes on my little boy for the very first time, but as I begun pulling him towards my chest I saw the most brilliant flash of light. It was like the entire delivery suite had been encapsulated by the sun - this extreme brightness. All I could see was Max. Everything went quiet and very still. While you could argue, well yeah you just gave birth luv, it was more than that. Gosh, i’m struggling to write this - the tears are dribbling down my face.

As he came towards me, the light started to narrow in the top right corner of the room - like it was being sucked through a hole. As that happened, I physically felt this release from my body as it followed the light. I remember looking up and sensing Charlotte’s presence. I know that sounds totally whack, but I did. I had this overhwelming feeling of warmth and it was as though she was forcing me to let go of her… almost a pulling sensation. It was as though she was communicating that she had done her job and it was all going to be ok. Max was here and he was safe. After the light disappeared, I just held him on my chest and fell back into the bed. I couldn’t control my emotions and it all just hit me with such force. There were tears of absolute joy, confusion of what had just happened, mental and emotional exhaustion and this immense feeling of guilt for ‘letting her go’. As I said, i’m not a spiritual person, or maybe I am now. But after I lost her in January of 2017 and up until this moment, I have had some strange and unexplainable things happen. To this day I still experience sensations of her being here and with me. Science would tell me otherwise and so does my logic, but I cherish these moments with all of my heart.

While I didn’t set out today to speak about this, I guess this is all part of the annual anticipation in the lead-up to Max’s birthday and International Pregnancy and Loss Awareness Day. I understand I am one of the lucky ones; I got my rainbow baby. All of our experiences surrounding loss will of course vary, but we are united in our grief and a type of loss that stays with you forever. As always, my heart goes out to anyone who understands this pain. On this day and everyday.

15th October 2018 - THAT MOMENT… the relief, the grief, the sadness and the excitement - all at once

International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Every year around 110,000 Australians experience a miscarriage. 2,200 endure the pain of stillbirth, 600 lose their baby in the first 28 days after birth, and many more face the grief of termination for medical reasons. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and I encourage everyone to recognise and acknowledge what is more often that not, one of the worst experiences of someone’s life. While you might not fall into the above statistics, I guarantee you will know and love someone that does. As someone who has lived this and continues to, it means the world to me when people ask about Charlotte and acknowledge the significance of this day.

Below are some great resources:

Still Standing Magazine (Facebook)

Pregnancy After Loss Support (Facebook page) I found this an invaluable resource, as I could immerse myself in the content in the privacy of my own space

SANDS & Red Nose provides 24/7 support and services to thousands of Australian women every year who lose a baby to miscarriage, via termination for medical reasons, in early infancy or through stillbirth or SIDS. The Grief and Loss Support Line: 1300 308 307. I also had a lovely volunteer, Anne, who came out from SANDS the night we brought Charlotte home from the hospital. She sat with me, she shared her story of loss and we are still in contact today (this was a free service)

Bears of Hope are also a fantastic organisation and have some wonderful resources available on their website, as well as workshops and peer support groups. Phone: 1300 11 HOPE & email: Support@bearsofhope.org.au

It was so important to me to document Charlotte’s delivery. While understandably this choice could be a lot for many people to process, it’s also something you will never get the opportunity to do again. You never have to look at these if it’s too painful, but at least you have the option if/when you are further into the healing process to do so. I want to thank my beautiful friend, Kelly Jordan, for capturing these. I look at these proudly all the time, as do my children. She was real, she was mine and she will always be part of our family’s story

I have included some beautiful quotes below that helped me navigate this storm in the weeks and months following her death. For me, sifting through Pinterest for quotes and imagery really helped. Sometimes it was reading the words I couldn’t find and seeing the imagery that expressed my pain so clearly. It brought me great comfort and still does.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim” - Vicki Harrison

“Sometimes it hurts so much that you feel like your chest will cave in and the only thing stopping it are the gasps of air you take in between the tears” - unknown

“When a baby is born, it’s a mother’s instinct to protect the baby. When a baby dies, it’s the mother’s instinct to protect their memory” - unknown

“Before telling a grieving parent to be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours you could live without” - Saying Goodbye.com

To my darling Charlotte… I love you with all of my heart. There is rarely a day that goes by without the mention of your name. Max now says that “Charlotte lives in his heart”. Yes, yes she does. She lives on in all of our hearts. Mummy, Mia and Max x