The Myth of Closure (IMO)

If you are a frequent flyer across my blog, you would understand i’m rather partial to an opening quote to set the tone - and this post is no different. While I often collect a few bangers during my doomscrolling travels, today’s is from the personal archives: “The power IS yours. Then you just need to make the right call”. Hmmm, where’s Alanis Morissette when you need her?! Anyway, this rings true and segues nicely into my discussion (or the myth) around ‘closure’.

I know we’re probably all at max cap when it comes to pop psychology terminology, but if we peel it back, there’s generally enough substance and logic there to guide us in the right direction - at the very least. For most of us, I would assume we connect the idea of closure with loss, grief or heartbreak. While I agree with some of the steps we can action in order to heal and move forward, by creating or labelling this as a destination or something that is unequivocally achievable, it’s problematic. As someone who has a long history of avoidant and dissociative behaviour and reactions to painful situations, I’ve learnt that hard way that you can’t heal the pain you refuse to feel. It’s often the age-old story of the head Vs the heart and both are valid contributors, so it can get messy. While the idea and term ‘closure’ doesn’t rank as highly as toxic positivity on my ick list, it’s sitting pretty. Pretty enough for me to bang out this post, so here goes…

*IMAGE SOURCE: https://pin.it/24oeqM27T*

THE CONCEPT OF CLOSURE & GESTALT PSYCHOLOGY:

As always, I preface this entire post with the IMO disclaimer. I’ll tell you something for nothing: I still wonder if I went down the wrong path by completing a B.Comm (Advertising), as I feel completing further studies in criminology or psychology would have been more my jam. Anyhoo, just add that to my list of regrets! Grrrr.

According to VeryWellMind, the Gestalt Principles were developed by German psychologists, also known as the Gestalt laws of perceptual organisation (how we interpret the complex world around us). Simply, Gestalt psychology focuses on how our minds organise and interpret visual data and it emphasises that the whole of anything is greater than its parts. Have I lost you?! Lol. If you are a visual person like me, imagine an incomplete circle or a triangle to begin with. Although the image/design we are seeing is incomplete, our mind according to this Gestalt principle, fills in the missing gaps in order to create a complete (and meaningful) image. So if we transfer that theory to an emotional response (to pain/grief/heartbreak), the desire for it to make sense or the need for completion (closure) is logical.

However, this is where we can run into trouble (IMO). Logic is the language of the conscious mind and our emotions are that of our unconscious mind - or as I like to think of it, the heart Vs the head. Before I go any further with my unprofessional opinions and interpretations, I would like to state that this post has been written with healthy(ish) relationships in mind. Yes, I’ve completed my MBA and PhD in toxic relationships, but they weren’t all a train wreck. Although I agree with the Gestalt Principles in general as a theory (of the conscious mind), I struggle to reconcile logic and emotion in practice. So I guess this is where my cynical little butt sits and that is; closure is a myth. The end.

Nehhh, not really. There are still many steps I believe we can action that can assist with healing our pain, so let’s get into those. Before that though, let’s take a quick visual intermission break in an attempt to lighten the dang mood. Already! Fuarkkkk.

Ok. Moving on with some practical-ish advice, keeping a realistic and open mind in tow… I’ve included some suggestions on how we can soothe and begin to heal - as a gradual approach. While my focus in this post is on relationships when it comes to closure, some of these suggestions may also assist with: healing past trauma, processing/grieving a death or even something you did to someone. Whatever it is you are seeking closure or resolution for, I think it’s critical to understand that it requires a combination and variation of techniques - and yes, time. No one course of healing will be the same and we must be kind to ourselves. We must acknowledge the progress and accept any set backs. It’s path of the course.

FIGURING OUT WHAT CLOSURE MEANS TO YOU:

Closure looks different for everyone, but I believe we are collectively seeking a similar feeling - a sense of completion, release and freedom from our respective pain. While these feelings we crave may vary in intensity and there is no guarantee of reaching a definite moment of ‘closure’, there will be progress. This progress is relative though and it’s on a spectrum - I believe. To really get the ball rolling, it’s important to determine what closure means to you - what it looks like and how it would feel (ideally). As we set these objectives, they should always be balanced proportionately with the specific wound and hold no timeline. I understand intimately the desperation at times to shake the heartache or grief, and while we can maintain an element of control, we don’t hold the power of duration. There are some statistics available around timeframes and while I do understand the desire for a formula or a specific end date, it’s just not that simple. How long is a piece of string?!

DOCUMENTING & IDENTIFYING YOUR EMOTIONS:

Ahh shiiiieeeet, we’re back at journalling - my favourite (not). However, I do push myself (with a little less dragging of the feet these days) as I have it on par with a workout - you never regret it. It does help with creating a sense of order amongst the internal and emotional chaos, but starting is the hardest part. Journalling promotes self-awareness and there are no hard and fast rules. It’s such a personal experience and one that can really help with identifying certain emotions, which in turn can make them easier to both understand and manage. For example, if you are documenting this over time, you are often able to track your emotional progress and it’s a really rewarding feeling. This could start as entries that include intense feelings of anger/hatred/shock and then move into the early stages of forgiveness or a better understanding of someone’s actions (and your own). It could also be a noticeable shift from negative self-talk and shame, to a healthier outlook and one where you can start to implement new boundaries. Again, there are no rules and it’s an activity that should be free from pressure and expectation. As someone who struggles to applaud my own personal progress or even identify it for that matter, this has helped me. It’s right there - in black and white. Give it a go!

TIME:

Do I believe time heals all wounds? No. I put this saying up there with “everything happens for a reason”, bjjjjeuuugghrkkk. Yuck. Of course it is a contributing factor in how we move forward, but it’s also such an unknown. For the most part, the trajectory of time and it assisting with the sting of heartbreak is positive. Although there can be feelings of two steps forward and 10 steps back, that’s ok. Healing is not linear and time in itself is also progress.

QUESTIONS & CLARITY:

Hmmm. This one is tricky - as every situation is unique and nuanced. Depending on the circumstances, seeking clarity or reasoning could also open the doors to more pain and disappointment. I think if this was ever to occur, a decent amount of time would need to pass. I also believe that after all break-ups, contact should cease. Whether that is temporary or not, we need to allow ourselves to fall in a heap and feel the sharpness of our new reality. And I get it, one of the hardest parts of a meaningful relationship ending is the loss of routine and that familiarity. From the smallest life updates to the biggest, to seeing something funny and wanting to share it… it stings, it hurts so much. However, the focus should be on WHAT IS and not WHAT WAS - as harsh as that sounds. Others aren’t necessarily deserving of that access either. Again, every situation is different. But before any big decisions or personal compromises are made for momentary relief, we really do need some time on our side.

If you are someone who likes to keep in touch with ex partners or maintain some sort of relationship (i’m not one of them!), just understand your own personal motivations for wanting that. The arc of grieving cannot be rushed and while I can totally understand the desire to reach out in moments of despair, I just worry it can cause more harm than good. But, enough from me on this one!

Let’s take another moment for a visual intermission break (and maybe a wine). This time, i’ve included some doom scrolling quotes and I make no apologies.

WRITING A LETTER YOU DON’T SEND:

Would you look at that! Some much better advice to proceed my last point before our intermission. Sorry, it’s late and I’m getting sassy. As you are well aware by now, i’m not a huge fan of confronting an ex for clarity. I think too many of us have fallen victim to the notion that we need clarity in order to gain closure - and i’m calling BS on it. I truly worry that this scenario would more often than not cause further harm and pain. Of course I also understand that for some this could be a beneficial exercise. If this is the pathway you choose though, just proceed with caution. For the remaining cynics who want to maintain some control (hey, it’s me), welcome back.

The suggestion to write a letter you will never send is not breaking news, but it’s solid and it’s risk free. Much like journalling or even therapy, you can express your feelings (good, bad and ugly) in a safe and protected way. If a relationship ends abruptly and all contact ceases, we can be left reeling. In these circumstances, there is usually no room for logic, a measured perspective or respect. So in these situations, I am more open to the desire to seek clarity and communicate. However, sometimes that silence is the only answer you need - as hurtful as it is.

So, let’s just write a bloody banger, hey?! Pour it all out: how much you miss your best friend, how angry you are, share your regrets with vulnerability, open up about past resentment and how it might of contributed to the downfall of the relationship, tell them you are sorry, share in how painful it is to relive happy memories and now to grieve a future you had dreamed of. Get it all out and sit with it. Feel all of it. What you choose to do with it from that point is up to you, but it can also be a wonderful resource (like journalling) to come back to later on. Your feelings may change over months or even a year down the track, but it serves as data points and an opportunity for revised reflection.

Geeez, this has all been quite heavy. As I said, these are my thoughts and opinions only. The concept of closure and healing is such a personal experience and there is no right or wrong way to approach it. It’s a gradual process and one that can’t be rushed, but it still requires commitment and direction if this is what you desire. Closure also does not need to be defined as the ultimate destination. Sometimes our pain and grief are woven into the tapestry of our greater story, and they evolve alongside us. What we do need as human beings to prosper though, is peace and resolution - whatever that looks like for you.

I am finally, after nearly three years, at the end of my separation/litigation. While it has bleed me dry in every sense, i’ve reached somewhat of a finish line. I didn’t have any expectations of how I would feel, so I guess i’m just sitting with it all for now. It might appear that the content of this post is related to that relationship, but it couldn’t be further from it - my head and my heart were out the door before I was. I guess arriving at such a profound ending and now beginning, it pushes you into a deeply reflective headspace. So, here we are.

I wrote this post for a few reasons. As a female friend, these are conversations we’re all pretty well versed in - duhh. However, it’s one thing to share advice with a friend and it’s another to take that on board for yourself. Here’s the mirror! This blog for me is a more finely tuned journal (the irony) and I find the process of articulating my thoughts and feelings to be extremely cathartic.

So, what are my takeaways? I understand that pain demands to be felt. I understand the internal war that rages between our heart and our head. I understand that healing is messy. I understand that regret can eat you alive, as will the wonder. I understand that our mistakes don’t define us. I understand that some love stories are worth fighting for and some are not. What I also understand though, finally, is that I am worthy. We all are. It just takes some of us a little longer to get there.

The myth of closure, hey. I don’t believe it’s always possible and that’s ok. I believe it’s more about a tentative battle between our heart and our head. It’s then up to you to decide which one is worth fighting for…

SJ x

The Myth of Closure (IMO)

“I couldn’t help but wonder…”

VAW - SO, WHAT NOW?